This is How I Disappear

Julien John James

I was standing in a cemetery.

rows and rows of headstones.

it was just me and Matt all in black.

Holding flowers and stand over a headstone.

that read

Julien John James

Beloved father, and husband.

There was something written under that

'Sounds of laughter shades of life are ringing through my open ears

Inciting and inviting me

Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns

It calls me on and on, across the universe'

I started to cry.

"Hey sis. He is finally at peace. And up in heaven."

"I know Matt. I just miss him. I learned everything from him. How to play and our love for The Beatles."

"I know sis. He was a great dad. Mom is a wreck she is just drinking. She wouldn't even come to the funeral."

"I guess after everything she can't forget."

"No I guess not. Come on lets go home and listen to his records."

"Can we start with his favorite?"

"Of course."

We got home went into a room and put on the record.

"Matt you know which one."

"Yeah I do. Just hold on...there."

'I read the news today oh boy

About a lucky man who made the grade

And though the news was rather sad'

I woke up in a cold sweat.

Hyperventilating.

Gerard sleeping like an angel by my side.

I quietly got out of our bunk and went to the back.

It can't be...

It is.

No.

Yeah it is.

He died?

Yeah your real father died a couple years ago.

NO!

Yes.

He couldn't...who is that other guys from the dreams?

I don't know.

You have to!

I am you and you don't remember everything yet!

He....loved The Beatles....just like me.

Yes.

He...had the same favorite.

Just like you.

Oh my god.

I just broke down and cried.

I cried. I couldn't do anything else.

He died.

Everything that is going in my head.

Its just too much.

They can't be real!

You know deep down inside...they are.

No! they can't be real!!

"No!!"

"Bells? Is that you?"

"Gee?"

"Yeah baby what are you doing here in the middle of the night?"

He took a couple steps forward and realized I was crying.

"baby what's wrong? What happened?"

I fell onto my knees and let the tears roll.

"Bells tell me!"

"I-I can't."

"What do you mean you can't sugar tell me you can't keep doing this. Keeping everything inside."

"I can't tell you because. I can't remember everything yet."

You slipped.

I know. Its time he knew. Well only half of it.

"What?"

"Those dreams. When I wake up in the middle of the night. And start to cry. I remember things. Things I am just so confused about."

"You are starting to remember?"

"Only fragments of things. I can't get everything. I don't remember everything yet."

"What did you remember tonight sugar?"

He brought me close to him and held me.

"I think-I-I think my real father died."

"What?"

"I was dreaming about a cemetery and I saw the tombstone."

"Oh hun. Are you okay?"

"No. It feels like I just lost him right now."

"Shhh..its okay let it all out."

"But I also discovered something else."

"What is it?"

"That I got my love of The Beatles from him. And he taught me how to play. And also that..."

"that what baby?"

"We love the same song."

"Oh Bells."

I cried myself to sleep in his arms.

That's all I could do.

I just wanted to remember what he looked looked like.

If we had the same eyes or hair color, or the same smile.

I wanted to know, I wanted so hard to remember something good in my life before all of this.

I wanted to know that my life wasn't always an insignificant thing. That I didn't always suffer.

That someone cared. That someone actually loved me.

Please. Let me remember something good.