This is How I Disappear

Everything....

I never thought I would remember, But I did. I did remember. Everything.

How it came to be, how I got here.

How....my mother came to be the way she was.

Everything.

And how my father treated me and Matt.

But I am getting a head of myself.

Let me take you back to earlier this day.

I was laying beside Gerard, and he was still sleeping.

I just stared at him.

I didn't want to wake him so I just slowly got out of bed and got dressed.

I knew then and there that i was ready.

But when it would happen, I didn't know.

It will just happen when it happens.

I left him a note.

Mister way.

I didn't want to wake you I went for some breakfast and went for a scroll. I will be back.

I love you.

xoxo

Bells.

I closed the room door behind me.

and bumped into someone.

"Oh I am-Mikes!"

"Oh hey Bells what are you doing up?"

"I was on my way to getting breakfast want to join?"

'Yeah sure I was just heading there too."

"Awesome come on."

we sat down to a nice warm breakfast and just chatted.

"So Bells..."

"Yeah Mikes.?"

"Have you two...you know?"

"Huh?"

"You know....done....it?"

"What?....oh no!"

"What I was just curious."

"Mikey thats just none of your business. and no we haven't but i am ready."

"Thats good. That you are. Has Gerard been a gentleman about waiting?"

"Yes he has. Sure sometimes I can be a tease but I don't mean to."

"Okay thats as far as this conversation is going to go."

"Alright. We haven't hung out as much since I have been with Gerard and sorry for that."

"Nah its okay. I get it. you two kids are crazy for each other."

"Can I tell you something?"

"Yeah of course you can, whats up?"

"Sometimes I feel guilty, for the how we got together."

"How so?"

"I was with Bob to forget about him, and I just used him. And he was just so kind to me. and he just let me go to be happy. I just feel really shitty about that."

"Hey don't be. He wanted you to be happy and he is doing better now a days. After he let you go he was just so depressed and did nothing and just one day he just slowly started turning into his old self again. he is happy, because you are happy. and he saw that so shush little sister."

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"Just being here for me you are the best big brother, well aside from my actual brother who awesome. haha."

"I am glad you found him Bells, and that you know about your dad as well. Family is important thing to have."

"Yeah it is."

we eat our breakfast still chatting happily when this couple who was arguning at the next table was being loud.

'oh shut up you moron! I can;t believe you did this to me! is that why you brought me here?!'

'Honey please, I am sorry. I am so sorry please forgive me!'

something about that arguement seemed so familiar.

'we have a son together please don't leave me.'

'well you should of thought of him while you were with that stupid tramp.'

I saw different faces not the people at the next table...

I saw...no.

I brushed away the feeling.

me and mikes just took a walk around the hotel after breakfast.

there was just a comfortable silence.

And it was nice.

I enjoyed our walk and then went back to the hotel.

he went back to wake up the rest of the guys and I went back to see if Gee was up.

and that lazy butt was still in bed.

sleeping.

but still I understood its ben a long tour and this is the only break he got, so he used it well.

So i went and layed beside him.

and just stared.

i know what you are thinking.

creepy weirdo girlfriend but hey if you had my boyfriend you would just spend hours just looking at him too.

and something got me thinking back to the arguing couple.

something was just trying to get through.

I just stayed there thinking about and eventually....it hit me.

everything, just everything hit me.

every memory, every pain, bruise, bloody hit, every good memory, every show with my brother and my dad, everything came back but the one that stood out was the memory of my parents and what happened there stod out the most.

I know what happened that made the person that called herself our mother, the way she was.

and it was all too much to take in