This is How I Disappear

Despite of her...

I remember how it happen.
All I heard was arguing.
I stood by my room door while Matt had headphones on.
He didn't want to hear anything.
Our mother didn't pay attention to our dad that much anymore.
Which caused him to make a mistake, he was only human.

"I can't believe you did this to me, to them!"
"Scarlett I am sorry! Please please. It was just one time and I was drunk and she was there. Please forgive me. Please for the kids, please!"
"I can't even look at you. Get out."
"Scar-"
"Get out!!"

My dad turned and come towards me,

"Baby girl I am sor-"
"Don't you even look at her! Don't even talk to her!"

He went to head out the door.
I couldn't let him leave without telling him I didn't care what he did, he was only a husband who started to become neglected. What did Scarlett expect?

I ran up to him and out my arms around him.

"Dad I don't care what she mom says, please don't go. You are human anyone can make a mistake please stay."
"I wish i could baby girl. But your mom doesn't want me here. But this doesn't mean I love you and your brother any less. Okay? You two are my world, the best two things I ever did okay? Now don't cry I will be back okay?"
"I love you daddy."
"I love you too baby, tell your brother that too."
"I will."
"I will see you later."
"Okay."

he walked out the door.
that was the last time I saw him in our house.
My Mother had his stuff packed and at the door step the next day. Matt and I salvaged his music collection before she could destroy it out of anger.

He called everyday and we would meet up with him at the music store. he lived in the apartment upstairs. we would always visit whenever Scarlett went out.
She didn't want us talking to our dad.

Our dad was strong.
He started to pick himself up and started to get his life together. But he missed our mom. And as my dad grew stronger and started to learn from his mistake.

Scarlett grew angry, bitter which lead her to become an alcoholic and abusive towards us.

"Gosh I don't even want to look at you two you look too much like that son of bitch who cheated on me."
"Don't talk about my dad like that! And he made a mistake, maybe if you gave a shit about him and paid attention to him he wouldn't have!"
"what did you say Matthew?"
"You heard me you bitter bitch!"
"Now you little piece of crap you don't talk to me like that I am your mother!"
"What mother? We don't have one amymore! ever since dad left you became a drunk angry bitch!"
"Why you little!"

he punched him the face

"Don't you dare hit him you bitch!"
"oh what did you call me!?"
"you heard me!

then she slapped me

"don't hit her!"
" Ha! Oh what are you going to do?"
"You will find out."

we went to our dad
he was furious.

"She did what?!"
"Dad I swear she gets worse, ever since you left she just goes out brings strange men home, drinks and she hits us."
"what the hell is she thinking.?! Doesn't she care about you?"
"Well not anymore."
"Come on you are staying here tonight you are not going back to her, and tomorrow we are going to get your things from the house and you are moving in with me. I have a spare bedroom you two can share."

the next day he just lost it as soon as he saw her.

"How fucking dare you lay a hand on my kids!"
"They were mouthing off! they don't fucking talk back to me I am their mother!"
"Well act like it Scarlett!!"
"what the fuck are you talking about?"
"Look at you! hung over! barely dressed and a strange man in my kids house! I know they are 19 but fuck Scar I will not have them live here."
"Like hell you are taking them!"
"Now Scarlett there is nothing you can do, kids get your things and one more thing Scar....I want a divorce."

we stood there shocked.

"Kids go get your things we will come back for the rest."

we just ran off to get our things, we wanted to cry but we were going to keep it together.

We left the house and went back to the apartment.

"Hey kids get settled in I am going to go organize some things downstairs okay?"

"Okay dad."
"Hey everything is going to be alright, I went anything happen to you."

he went downstairs and we got settled.

yelling disturbed out unpacking

"Matt come with me, I want to see if dad is okay."
"Alright Ali come on hold me hand."

he reached for my hand and we went downstairs.

and we saw our dad...vulnerable cursing and yelling, and crying.

"Daddy?"
"Huh?"

he had tears running down his face.
we both ran to him.

"daddy what is wrong?"
"Oh I didn't want you two to see me like this."
"dad tell us whats up?"
"I just feel like such a failure but I couldn't stand the thought of her hitting you two anymore. I had to, I had to ask for the divorce. "
"We get it dad. She just changed. And she just couldn't forget about what happened. And she didn't even to try to fix you two. She is just a mess and bitter. She doesn't even want to look at us anymore because she said we look too much like you."
"Its not your fault guys. Just understand that okay?"
"We understand dad, we love you."
"I love you two too."

we were hapy for the next couple of weeks.
We didn't go back to Scarlett's house.
We didn't even talk to her.
My dad had to and his lawyer.
She just wanted to sign the papers and get it over with.
eventualyy they did and they were divorced.
we consoled our dad when it was finalized.
we was hurting but he knew it was the right thing to do for us and for himself. Because she just would never let go of his one mistake.
the only mistake in 19 years.
And the one she would never let herself forgive.

after a while we went back to being a family unit, just the three of us. we went to go see shows, we went to movies, had pinics, and we ran the store together.

we even got matching tattoos.

I would have to search my body to find it.

But I remember the day.
The day he slipped away.
it came out of nowhere.
He was there one minute and then next he wasn't.
Me and Matt came back from a movie. Our dad insisted that we go see one and get out of the store.
So we did.
We came back to an ambulence in front of the store and people and police surrounding it.
we paniced and ran to the front

"I am sorry kids we can't let you go in there."
"Our dad is the owner what happened?"
"Oh..."

he had that look, the look when someone was going to tell you some bad news.

"I am sorry to tell you two but your father died."
"What? you are lying!"
"I am so sorry but a witness told us he was helping a customer find something and he just fell to the ground and died that instant. we think it was a brain aneurysm"

I was hysterical and Matt tried to keep it together but I could see the tears in his eyes.

"Matt he can't be gone, he just can't."
"He is...Ali...he is."

the corner confirmed the police's theory. it was a brain aneurysm.

we made the arrangements and everything.
Regular customers came to the funeral, we played his favorite song, and had those who had a fun memory of our dad speak.
everyone started to leave but me and Matt stayed to see the casket slowly get lowered into the dirt.

Matt just grabbed my hand and told me we would be okay. we would make it somehow.

He hired someone to run the store while we were sorting things out.

Scarlett didn't even bother to show up.

we went back to our apartment after the funeral and found someone there.

"Scarlett what the hell are you doing here?"
"Please Matthew call me mother at least."
"Like hell I will."
"Matthew!"
"What the fuck do you want?"
"Please just hear me out. I just want you two to come back home, your father is gone and i think he would have wanted for us to be close as we once were."
"How do we know you are not lying?"
"I got help. I am sober and I got my anger in control please give me another chance."
"why should we you didn't give our dad one."
"Matt, Allison please. I just want us to be a family again."
"We will think about it."
"Now leave?"

she was walking away to leave but turned around and said, "I am changed please let me show you."

her words were buried into our skull and after everything we gave her a chance, me moved back in.
but turns out we were wrong...dead wrong.

turned out that she got remarried to an asshole rick.
She only wanted us for the money our dad left us. she didn't get a dime out of the divorce and our dad didn't leave her anything. But we didn't even know if he left us anything. the beatings began the day after we moved in. and her new husband joined in, he would hit us if we didn't call him dad but we refused to give in and we got a new scar everyday. and they ganged up on me the most.
Matt tried to prevent anything happening to me but it was no use.

Matt took over running the store and I tried to help but sometimes I just couldn't. I wasn't strong enough.

But the day I came to be with the guys, was all thanks to Matt.

"Hey Ali!"
"Yeah?"
"I have a present for you?"
"What is it?"

he handed me a rectangular box and I took off the lid to reveal a ticket inside.

"What the? oh my gosh...how did you?"
"I got them, a deal too. Floor tickets."
"Why don't you come with me?"
"Oh no someone has to run this joint and plus they mean more to you. now go enjoy yourself and here is money for the bus okay? and as for bitch and satan I will take care of it okay, just go have fun."
"Oh thank you Matt you are the best brother ever!!"
"You bet your ass I am now go before the line gets too long!."

I remembered the show, the feeling, everything.
I hit my head on a pole waiting for the bus to take me back.
A stampede of girls tackled me and caused it.

I remember waking up to those hazel eyes looking down at me.

I remember everything.
Everything.

tears were running down my face.

"Bells?"

I was crying.

"baby?"

I turned around to find Gerard standing here hair sticking out in all different directions.

"baby are you okay? why are you crying?"

he came over and held me close to him

"Shh its okay I am here. tell me whats wrong."
"I-I-"

I can't tell him.
But he has to know!
I just can't one day maybe but not now.

"i was thinking about things that I didn't want to."
"Oh sugar."
"Yeah but can I tell you something?"
"Anything."
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For taking me in, for giving me a real family, and for showing me what real love is."
"Oh baby. I am glad I did because, if it wasn't for you. I wouldn't know what love is either."
"I love you Gerard."
"I love you Bells."

I couldn't tell him.
I won't, and she will never find us.
She doesn't even know where to look.

I am happy and she isn't going to win.
I know what love is despite of her.
I know what family is despite of her.
I am not going to let her win.
Because I am happy.
I am finally happy.
and my dad would be proud.