This is How I Disappear

The feeling of certainty

I couldn't help but smile at the man who was laying beside me.

sleeping with his mouth slightly open, and occasionally drooling, and a snore here and there.

He was just so perfect.

I couldn't now picture my life without him in it.

I wasn't going to let go.

Death would have to pull me from him. even then.

He understood me, every bit of me that I am now starting to know.

My love for music, The Beatles, Spring Awakening, everything.

The way I dress, the way I act, everything he just accepts with an open heart and open mind.

He just just undescribable.

I had no idea love could be this way.

I had no concept of love at all i think.

I got closer to him and he automatically wrapped his arms around me and brought me closer.

and kissed my head.

even when he is sleeping I know he love me.

everything right now just seems so at peace and perfect.

but something deep inside me is just screaming that something is going to happen soon to interrupt that.

I can't think.

yeah you do. sorry to say hun but it does happen.

anything good just goes poof, and then its gone.

shut up.

I can't I am always here. you know its true. just prepare yourself.

I said shut up!

alright alright, shesh.

I got out of bed.

stupid voice interrupting my total blissed out moment.

I just got up and stared out the window.

looking up at the stars.

the stars never change, they stay the same.

little bright lights from here, that take years for their light to reach here.

there was something almost beautiful about them.

a pair of arms interrupted my thoughts.

"What are you doing up sugar?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"Come on babe, you have to try to sleep."

"I just can't shake off this feeling."

"What feeling?"

"This bed, creepy feeling that something bad is coming, and soon."

"Why would you be feeling that?"

"I have no idea. I just feel it. And its scaring me because I think something bad is going to happen."

"Hey hey. don't think like that. Nothing bad is going to happen, I won't let it. I am here, nothing is going to get you or take you from me. or the rest of us. and we are certainly not going anywhere."

"Promise?"

"Yeah we promised the day we gave you this."

he reached and touched the locket they all gave me. he opened it and it revealed the small picture of all of them smiling.

"Isabella Black come back to bed. I will sing you to sleep. and all those bad thought are going to go away I promise you."

"Oh alright."

he lead me back to the bed and I curled up to him. and he sang my lulliby. my favorite.

I closed my eyes and took my mind off of the feeling and onto a new one.

The one that just decided to come back, the feeling of certainty. Certainty that I was ready. I was ready to give everything I had left to give to this man.

I was ready to make love to Gerard.

I was ready.

and I smiled as I fell asleep.