This is How I Disappear

He send shivers throughout my body..

I walked back to the bus and just went to the back and strummed on my guitar.

I grabbed a notebook Gee had given me a while back.

After the dreams I started writing everything that came back down.

I wrote down about Matt and how we looked so similar. Same eye color, hair.

But he was a bit taller than me. I was petite.

My mind was going insane over details of dreams and voices of that woman and mixed with everything that happened today.

I changed into my satin night dress and put on my slippers. My scars were exposed but I didn't care. I was use to wearing an old shirt of gerard's and short short but I couldn't right now.

I don't even want to sleep in his bunk anymore.

So I changed and I layed down on the couch in the back.

I sang to myself and played my guitar.

I had almost closed my eyes until I heard someone arguing.

"I cannot believe you Gerard!!! You sang a song for her! I am your girlfriend!!"

"What makes you think I give a shit about you!!"

"Because we are together! That's why!!"

"You were just there for convenience!! Its not like we slept together anyway. I don't care what happens to you!"

"What are you saying Gerard?!"

"I don't love you! I never have! I only love one girl and its not you!!"

"You don't mean that."

"Yes I do I am sick of you."

"No you don't mean that baby...please you don't"

"We are finished Alexis. Now leave me alone I am tired and sick of your shit. Don't ever come near me or any one of us. You got it?"

"I will talk to you tomorrow when your head is clear."

"Don't even bother."

I didn't move from my place. I just stayed in the couch. Listening to their argument.

"huh...I guess they are done. Doesn't mean I am going to give him a chance right away."

"Bells are you in here?"

I stayed silent.

"I know you are in here. I got your note. Come on please reply."

I sighed

"I will think about replying"

"Where are you?"

"Just follow my voice dum dum."

"Keep talking."

"blah blah blah blah..."

"Oh they you are."

He was all sweaty and had a towel and a cigarette in his hand.

"Where is the rest of the guys?"

"They are doing meet and greets. I wasn't up to it."

I got up and leaned against the wall.

His eyes roamed up and down my body.

And then he looked straight into my eyes.

"don't look at me like that."

"Why not?"

"Because it makes me uncomfortable."

"Sorry Bells."

"What do you want?"

"I want to talk about this note."

"What about it?"

"You said there might be a chance for us...and I was hoping that maybe ..."

"I said might it doesn't mean I will take you as my boyfriend right away. I want to see that you want to be with me. Not have me. Not toy with my feelings or hurt me again."

"I lo-"

"Don't say it until you have shown me you mean it."

"What do I have to do?"

"I don't know think of something."

I went back to the couch and layed back down.

"And oh you can have your bunk back there is no way in hell I am sleeping in there again after what I saw."

"Oh okay. Where are you going to sleep?"

"I think this is fine."

"Bells no. I will change the sheets just sleep in it."

"No thanks the couch is fine."

He came closer and got on his knees and brought his face close to mine and whispered in my ear.

"Please baby sleep in it. It would make me feel better."

He send shivers throughout my body. His voice was so enchanting.

"I-I...wait? No."

"Please?"

His nose roamed my neck and I bit my lip to hold back a moan.

"No."

And he placed one kiss on my neck.

"Please?"

"N-No Gerard."

My body was betraying me and I could feel the rush of blood going to my cheeks.

Damn it!

"Looks like I made someone blush."

"No you are just too close and sweaty. Let me get to bed!"

He chuckled

"Okay whatever you say."

He stood up

"You will see Isabella Black. I will show you that I cared about you. Just watch."

I got comfortable on the couch with a blanket and pillow.

"And oh by the way...nice night gown."

I smiled to myself.

I hope he can show me he cares.

He left Alexis woman. What more do you want?

I don't know. I just want to see that he really does care.

You know he does.

Maybe. Until the time he shows me I won't be with him.

Yesh the things you put this guy through.

I know.

Now shut up and let me sleep.