This is How I Disappear

They want me to what?!?

Me and Gerard have been going strong after our date.

Its been three months and going.

Strange I know huh?

I don't have many nightmares.

But when I do.

Its bad.

I just start crying uncontrollably and have Gerard just hold me through the night before I fall back asleep.

I still can't tell him what they are about.

I just can't yet.

But I think maybe it's time that I do.

The key thing to any relationship is honesty and I don't want to lose him.

Not now or ever.

I need to let him all the way in.

I just have to make sure I am ready to do that.

I have to prepare myself for anything that happens afterward.

I will just think on it.

"Bells can I ask you something?"

'Sure whats up?"

He touched my arm and felt the scars.

"You have all these scars all over you. Do you remember at all where you got them from?"

Shit. Not now. Keep it to yourself. You're not ready yet.

"No I don't. You think I would but I don't"

"You sure?"

"Yeah I have been trying but I just can't."

"Okay. I think its time for us to get up and get dresses sugar. Its time to greet the day."

"Ugh fine. Be back."

"Alright."

I got dressed, fixed my hair and slapped on some eyeliner and lipstick.

And I walked into a group freak out session.

"What the fuck are you going to do guys we are screwed!

"Ray are you sure Mikey is sick?"

"Dude go look at him! And tell me he isn't dying! He looks horrible."

"Hey!"

"Sorry Mikes, but it's true look at you. You can barely walk!"

"Yeah you are right. Man I feel like shit."

"Frank you think you can play the bass?"

"Nah man I have to cover my guitar parts I am well enough to play them."

"True. Shit man what do we do?"

"Bells."

"What Mikey?"

"Bells, she knows every guitar and bass parts of every songs. We taught them to her."

"He is right gee. She does."

"You think she will go for it a mean? Fill in for Mikey while he recovers?"

"WHAT?!!!!"

"well I guess we are going to find out now."

They were, they want me to what?!

"You guys want me to get on stage....play bass...with you?"

"Baby...well we are running low on alternatives and only you know all Mikey's bass lines...and it will help us so much Bells please."

"Oh you guys are insane! I can't-I can't do that!"

"Why not? Please Bella for us?"

"Yeah please? For your brothers and boyfriend"

They all looked at me.

"oh no! don't' give me those faces!"

They all looked at me with those puppy dog eyes.

How can you say no to that!

"fine! But if I pass out I am going to make you pay!!"

"deal!"

"and I want more CDs!"

"Fine!"

"Thank you thank you thank you!!!"

"Yeah yeah yeah. Gosh what did I get myself into?"

Me on stage with people staring at me....I hope I live to tell this tale.