This is How I Disappear

And baby this one is for you

I walked over to him and sat down next to him.

He wiped his eyes and looked at the floor.

“Hey Bells.”

“Hey looks like you have been crying.”

“Same goes for you. What happened to you?”

“He broke it.”

“Oh hun.”

“Look I am sorry. For leading you on. I never meant to hurt you. I just thought if I was with you. I could forget about Gerard and maybe one day….fall in love with you.”

“At least we now know that it really wouldn’t have worked out.”

“True. But how about we just become friends.?”

“Not so soon Bells…I love you. And If we are just friends right away I would be never to get over you. So just give me time. Okay? But we will get there.”

“Alright I will wait. But right now I could use somebody to hang out with because I don’t want to be alone. And the guys are getting ready and it looks like you already are.”

“Yes I am. Lets just go for a walk and maybe head to the bus to meet up with everyone.”

“Okay.”

We walked in silence. I really didn’t mind. I was happy to know me and Bob can act like adults about this. And not be childish about it.

“Hey guys we were wondering where you went!”

“Mikes I was here chilling behind the stage and I went into the dressing room and I found this blonde guy getting ready.”

“Yeah we were just going to go to you guys. How long do we have?”

“Five minutes.”

“Oh shit. See you after Bells.!”

“Knock them dead guys!”

“Where the fuck is Gerard?! He wanted to talk to me about making a change in the set before we went on!”

Mikey screamed

And on cue he came running down the hallway.

“Hey sorry guys! I am here. Bells wait before I go let me say something.”

“You have a show. And I have to get back to the bus.”

“Isabella Black would you hold on a minute!”

“Well at least now I have a last name. Have a good show Gerard. Bye.”

I can’t talk to him without getting choked up. I held it together well. I leaned up against the wall and put in my hands in my jacket pockets and decided to stay for at least the first song.

And I heard the boom of his voice.

“Hey everyone we are my chemical romance and we are from new jersey where we kill motherfuckers like you!”

Fucking Gerard.

I remembered first time he told me that.

“Hey before we play our material I want to start off the show with a cover. This song is a favorite of someone very dear to my heart, I know everyone in here knows this song and if you don’t you are gonna get schooled.”

And then that familiar guitar chord and piano tune started playing.

I froze in my place and started hyperventilating.

I started walking very slowly and went to the side of the stage and looked at him.

The guys played and before he started to sing the lyrics to one of my favorites he said.

“I am so sorry Bella B. And baby this one is for you.”

I just stood there tears welling up in my eyes.

“I read the news today oh boy

About a lucky man who made the grade

And though the news was rather sad

Well I just had to laugh

I saw the photograph

He blew his mind out in a car

He didn't notice that the lights had changed

A crowd of people stood and stared

They'd seen his face before

Nobody was really sure

If he was from the House of Lords.”

I couldn’t really look anywhere but at him.

Why can’t I just let you go?

Why do you make me feel this way?

Why did you do this to me?

“I saw a film today oh boy

The English Army had just won the war

A crowd of people turned away

but I just had to look

Having read the book

I'd love to turn you on”

I started to cry but I just stood there letting them flow freely.

He turned to look at me.

And just kept singing those lyrics of the song he always sang to me after the day he held me in the bunk.

“Woke up, fell out of bed,

Dragged a comb across my head

Found my way downstairs and drank a cup,

And looking up I noticed I was late.

Found my coat and grabbed my hat

Made the bus in seconds flat

Found my way upstairs and had a smoke,

and Somebody spoke and I went into a dream”

Why do I love you so much?

Why you Gerard Way?

Why?

“I read the news today oh boy

Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire

And though the holes were rather small

They had to count them all

Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.

I'd love to turn you on”

I stood there crying my eyes out.

He finished the song.

“Bells. I hope you can come to forgive me. Please. I Lo-“

I just shook my head and turned around and found one of the touring crew borrow a pen and I paper and wrote him a note left it for him in the dressing room and left the arena and went towards the bus.

I wrote him

‘Gerard, it takes more than my favorite song. Sung at a show to show me you actually care.

And for me to forgive you. If there will ever be an us, if there will be. Show me that you care about me. And I mean more to you than just a fuck. Show me the man I know that’s in there.

Bella B