How Much I Love Her

Chapter Twenty- Five

@xxxvip :) :D  Thanks for everything! This one is for you. :)

Leanne's POV

Ever since I won back my consciousness, I go to Dra. Cyreen for my regular check- up. I understand, just because I won back my consciousness doesn't mean I'm totally fine. The doctor is making sure that I would get all the possible help so that I won't break down or anything. Because she said that there's a big possibility na bumalik ako sa dati kong kalagayan kung hindi ko malalabanan at hindi ulit makayanan ng sistema ko ang sakit dulot o maidudulot ng mga nangyayari sa paligid ko.

So, here I am now standing next to my doctor's office door for my check- up. Huminga ako ng malalim atsaka na ako kumatok. 'di nagtagal ay nagsabi si Dra. ng "come in" kaya tumuloy na ako.

"Good morning, doc" naka ngiting bati ko.

"Oh Leanne, Good morning. You look getting better" naka ngiti nyang sagot at iminuwestra sa kanyang kamay na pinapa-upo ako sa upuan sa kanyang harapan.

In our meetings like this, we usually start by talking about all the things I did during the days before my check- up. So there I started with my routines and all. She is very attentive and studying me. I guess part of her examines. I just go on and on. Hanggang sa maka rating na ako sa part na nangyari sa mall. I think, that caught her attention big time because she even lean closer to me.

With my hands shaking because everything is flashing back on me, I tell her everything. She is just so attentive. Hinahayaan lang nya ako, ni hindi din nya ako nico-comfort. Perhaps, she really wants me to dwell on every single emotion that I have in me.

"So, what is the plan now, Leanne?" seryosong tanong ni doc pagka tapos kong ikwento yung nangyari sa mall pati narin yung nung nasa cementery kami.

"I have to admit Doc, at first, hindi ko alam. I guess masyado akong nalamon o masyado kong niyakap yung sakit na naramdaman ko dahil doon sa sinabi nung mga babae, but then again, I realized wala akong karapatan, maging mahina. Dahil, lahat ng mga taong mahahalaga sakin, yung pamilya ko, mga kaibigan ko, yung boyfriend ko na hindi ako iniwan sa kabila ng mga nangyari, kayo Doc, kayong lahat doc, lumalaban. Kaya dapat lang na suklian ko yung tapang na ipinapakita nyo." Sabi ko.

Nakikinig lang sa akin si Doc while nakiita kong nag ta-take din sya ng notes. "And besides Doc, may ginawa at sinabi din sakin si Phil, the next day. "What was that, then?" she asked.

"Dinala nya po ako sa studio nya to show me my pictures, our pictures when we were in college po. Pictures po kung saan makikita kung gaano ako kasaya. At kung saan po MAHAL KO pa ang sarili ko. Phil said, mali daw po yung umpisa ko. That, I should forgive myself first and start loving myself again." Naramdaman kong may luhang kumawala sa mga mata ko ng sabihin yung mga yun.

"And?" tanong ni Doc, mababasa sa kanyang mata na curious sya kung ano ang tingin ko sa mga sinabi ni Phil. Deretso lang sa mata ko yung tingin nya habang pinapa- nuod akong punasan ang luha ko.

"A-and I think, Phil is right po. Looking back at everything right now, I guess kaya ko ng patawarin yung sarili ko. I mean, wala narin naman po kase akong magagawa. But, paano ko po ba matutunan mahalin ulit yung sarili ko, Doc?" tanong ko.

"I can now say that you're finally on the right track. You guys are right, you cannot face this battle if you are going to start in the middle." Sabi ni Doc. "And my answer to your question.. Let's take it slow. Why don't you start being the old you to gain the love you lost for yourself?" dagdag pa nya.