Winter Hearts

In Which Siana Daydreams

Siana looked at her reflection in the dark glass of her phone. She had glossy dark brown hair, now slightly lighter as she had spent a lot of time in the sun for campus sports. She supposed it was straight like her mum's, but coloured like her father's. It lightened in the sun, which is what his did. When she was younger she had sometimes looked blonde.

Her skin was naturally a honeyed creamy tone, but now was almost caramel from her tan. She had a straight nose and high cheekbones, thanks to mum. Her eyes were dark brown and slanted up at the corners like her mum's, though they were large like her dad's.

She could see that she was pretty and she knew her looks had an effect on men, just as they had on Mark earlier. But she also knew very well that they were not talents or skills or something she had earned.

She had merely received them, almost by chance, as gifts that had dribbled down a genetic line from her ancestors.

Others would say that that confluence of gifts were fated for her. She would say those gifts could open doors but they didn't keep them open.

Above all, Siana saw herself as a well-grounded, cheery sort of person who loved life.

And yet, she had been feeling so restless and agitated for the last part of the school year. Was it because she was finishing college? She thought not. Whilst her friends were still trying to figure out what they wanted to do, or were facing their biggest challenges trying to get into university degrees for further studies, she was already on her life path.

She loved dancing, teaching and working. She wanted to live deep in the community, and affect the people directly around her. She didn't really like the idea of making changes from behind a desk. She wanted hands-on, human experiences. And she was already setting herself up well for that. Sometimes, it made her feel old. Other times, she felt free of hangups and the daily pressure her friends seem to have.

So why did she feel suddenly directionless?

As always, during these times when feelings of emptiness consumed her, she turned to her thoughts. Sometimes she became highly rational, thinking through events and experiences in her life. Sometimes, like now, she turned to fantasy.

She saw herself in a world that was just like hers, real and everyday. She saw herself bumping into the famous six, and having a stupendous moment of connection, where one of them spoke to her, or smiled at her, or just looked at her. She felt butterflies in the pit of her stomach, and replayed her imagined moments over and over until they became like broken records, both annoying and compelling at the same time.

Being who she was, she felt she was stealing a part of them and keeping it for herself, and she felt weirdly selfish and grotesque about it. She laughed. What kind of fan felt guilty like she did? Fans were all about feeling like they had ownership of their idols. She wondered if she was superstitious, like people who believed cameras captured their souls for real, when they first invented cameras. Her lip curled. Then all of us are guilty of soul stealing, she thought wryly. It made her feel better, so she turned her thoughts back to her daydreams.

The plane took off, and she enjoyed the rumble of the engines as she got pressed back into her seat. She was suddenly back in her imaginary world where she was sharing stares with VIXX.

She saw herself standing under an umbrella, in the rain, waiting to cross a small road going into a basement carpark of the large convention centre she imagined she was working in. Two large MPVs rolled up, turning into the road as a garage door opened to let them in. As the first van passed, she looked inside and suddenly locked eyes with N, who was sitting in the front seat. Recognition dawned on her face, but she tried hard to school her features. What was she, a schoolgirl?

N immediately saw her reaction and his lips curled into a knowing smile. She saw him laugh a little and turn his eyes back to the front as they passed. In the back, she saw Hongbin and Hyuk talking to each other, unaware of her. The car slowed and entered the building. She could hear distant shouting and some screaming behind her, and suddenly she heard a rush of footsteps. She turned to notice a small horde of girls running towards her, or rather, towards the cars.

In the next car, Ken, who was sitting in the front seat, rolled down his window and started waving to the fans.

"Slow down, starlights, we will see you inside!" he called, scrunching up his eyes and blowing a kiss. The girls squealed, but they slowed down, though still approaching as quickly as they could. The car kept passing, almost by her. In the back she saw Leo by the window, looking out, with Ravi hanging his arms round his neck and looking out at all the girls. Ravi smiled and waved, but Leo stared impassively into the upheld cameras, one by one.

Siana wondered if he was unhappy or merely doing the fans a service by looking into their cameras. Oddly, she thought it would be rather calculative of him to look into the cameras like that, knowing that people were misreading his impassivity as awkwardness, shyness or even unhappiness.

If he was using that misconception to purposefully make the girls' hearts flutter when he looked into their cameras... well, that would make him a casanova of sorts.

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. Typical, she thought. Typical that a guy would do that. and typical that she would think that sort of thought in the middle of fantasising about her idols. Siana settled back into her seat.

Way to go to break your own spell, Siana. The corner of her mouth lifted as she rolled her eyes. Suddenly Leo's gaze fell on her, and he seemed to stop himself from blinking. Stunned, she locked gazes with him as they passed by, then at the last moment she smiled at him. She felt like she was apologising. He, on the other hand, seemed to look both angry and bored until they finally disappeared into the building. Guards stepped forward to prevent them from stepping inside as the roller shutter came down.

Amidst some more screaming and more than a few whimpers of delight, she stood still until the girls brushed past her to leave.