Winter Hearts

Analysing Siana

She looked at N, who was shaking his head too. "Why are you so embarrassed? We do that kind of thing all the time."

"Well, I- I didn't realise I had an audience!" She cried indignantly. Then she remembered the face she had seen, that there was someone else watching, in the shadows of the stairwell. She whipped her head around, a suspicious look on her face as she eyed the three boys who had come into the room that way: Ken, Hongbin and Leo.

She saw that Hongbin was already listening and watching her, and that he checked to see who she was looking at, frowning. He seemed to put two and two together.

Oh god! If this was news to him then it meant that it was either Ken or Leo who had been spying on her. She looked again.

And saw that whilst Ken was smiling and chatting with Ravi, Leo was watching her like a hawk, his mouth a stern line. There was something in his gaze, she couldn't tell if it was reproach or concern, but whatever it was, was like a heat that burned slow and deep.

He dropped his gaze, turning to listen to Ken's chatter. Siana felt her cheeks burn. Not Leo.

She was flustered, and felt silly for it. Like N said, people danced like that all the time. They practised, they performed, and they did it in groups, partners or alone. She knew the difference between the real feelings that inspired those moves, versus the professional reenactment of those feelings.

Sometimes, there was physical intimacy that could not be avoided when performing onstage, where guys and girls had to hold each other in certain ways to be safe, to keep their balance and to support each other. It couldn't be helped. A dancer had to think of their body as a tool and let go of their personal inhibitions so that another person, sometimes a relative stranger, could lift them or support them. Legs, armpits, under the boobs, under the butt, almost in the crotch... whatever offered the best grip, she supposed.

But this... she realised why this upset her so much. It was because that morning she wasn't performing for work. She was calling up those feelings that dancing stirred up in her sometimes, very private feelings that she felt should only be for her, and for a future someone whom she felt she could get close to, and be vulnerable with.

And now she found that she had inadvertently shared that private space with at least three men. Pop idols she had fangirled and fantasised over for at least two years. Her mortification turned to shame. Then that shame turned to indignance.

"You were spying on me?"

N and Hyuk saw the change in her and looked at each other, all serious. N turned to her, concerned.

"Yes. We saw you." His admission took the steam out of her anger, calming her down a little. He continued.

"Don't get us wrong, we were just watching a dance practise. Dancing should be seen. It is why we do it. So we didn't think we were spying. But we should have announced ourselves. Sorry about that."

Siana got what he meant immediately, understanding and accepting his explanation. Whoever the other person was... had still not revealed himself. That was a different story altogether.

Siana walked with N and Hyuk in silence. Things seemed to suddenly be very complicated. she tried to shake off the feeling of discomfort by replaying N's words. She got what he meant, and realised they were the same kind of people.

They believed dancing was meant to be seen, an expression that bypassed the limitations of words. She became thoughtful. Much as she loved performing on stage, there was something about choreography which was limiting. A dance routine was meant to be perfect, to follow the music, to be in sync, and to have the same effect, each and every performance.

But dancing freely to music, like in a club or at a party... that was harder to do for some people. Unless you just wanted to rock from side to side, you needed to have knowledge of dance moves, like a dance vocabulary, and yet be unfettered by them, and let them make you feel free. This was what she loved about street dance in general.

Since she was sixteen, she had spent her winter holidays clubbing with her cousins. Because the towns were so small, as long as you behaved, no one really looked into the ages of their clubbers. She was with her cousins, which made her dad feel better. Even so, it was he who suggested she go out with them, since nights in little Itea could be tediously boring without anything to do, and he wanted her to benefit from being with good company.

Dancing with her cousins was great. There was no pressure on her and she felt they had her back.

They would dance altogether on the floor, sometimes in empty clubs, sometimes in clubs bursting at the seems with the influx of tourists coming to ski at the Mount Parnassus resort, or at the annual winter dance party just outside of Itea in an old empty restaurant slash dance hall on the hill facing the sea to the west. It was her uncle's place, and had become so popular he opened it on the weekends and was now a full-fledged club by the sea.

She wondered out of the six member of Vixx, which members needed choreography to dance, and which could let their body lead them?

She knew about N and his dance training, but he seemed to have more of a contemporary dance background. She smiled. Like ballet dancers, sometimes classically trained people had no swag whatsoever. But, N did have a certain extra that made him stand out on stage, she knew that. He could work it when he needed to. Then there was Ravi, who was obviously into street and hip hop. And Ken, who seemed so at ease and, as she had found out earlier, wasn't afraid to use his body up close and personal. That left Hyuk, Hongbin and Leo. Hyuk seemed like he would have fun and be keen to keep spirits up. Hongbin... well she wasn't quite sure what to make of Hongbin, except that he seemed thoughtful and very gentlemanly. So far, he seemed to be a little reserved, studying and commenting on whatever was happening. As for Leo, she assumed he would be too self-conscious to truly let go on the dance floor. She imagined it would be worse if people were aware of who he was.

She wondered what it would be like to feel like people were watching your every move, taking pictures and then analysing them on social media.

It seemed that life could be miserable if someone in the limelight couldn't take that kind of scrutiny. Even worse for someone in the limelight for the wrong reasons.

She looked up at N, who had secured her arm under his again, and was smiling to himself as he stared ahead. On the other side of him, Hyuk was looking at the orange trees that had been planted on the sidewalk, one every few metres. They were bearing fruit, but she knew that these ones would not be suitable for eating. They were just too sour. She didn't know why there were orange trees decorating the sidewalk, even though they had been growing there ever since she could remember. She would often help neighbours pick oranges for their jams. But all the kids knew not to bother eating them.

She felt a sudden surge of feeling. They seemed so engaged with the world she loved, even though they were who they were. They were all not that much older than her, but they didn't seem to have that off-hand demeanour a lot of guys that age could have. Politeness and positivity seemed to permeate their personalities, but she wondered how much of it was a product of their training.

She thought of Leo and realised, training obviously couldn't "fix" everything. She smirked. Not that that was a bad thing. She had been drawn to his persona from the beginning, seemingly aloof, but eventually revealing an awkwardness she found both cringingly embarrassing, and endearing. And more recently, she had discovered he had a sense of humour, even though he never seemed to be able to get one up on his faster, more cunning brothers - they always got the better of him.

Did that suggest that he had a kinder, gentler nature than people normally assumed? Well, she wouldn't really know. After all, whatever she knew about them was simply what had been recorded, reported, and probably scripted to a certain extent.

They reached the end of the street, which was actually one side of a "Y" in the road. She motioned for them to cross the road carefully, since it curved slightly and had bad sightlines, and traffic moved fast.