Winter Hearts

Convoy

Min trailed behind N and Hongbin, noting that N seemed to be herding Hongbin, keeping an eye on him and giving him slight touches every now and then. Min noticed it was done in a way that seemed inconsequential, as if N were absent-mindedly needing reassurance from Hongbin, rather than actually being the one giving them. She couldn't tell if Hongbin noticed, but he didn't seem perturbed by them, and kept close by N.

Ken stayed close to her with Hyuk, chatting to her about Itea and revealing their love for the quiet little town. Min understood them immediately. Although she had only visited a couple of times, she had fallen in love with its picturesque orderliness and its tiny bustling society.

She realised though, that it was just like any other pretty little town. The thing that made it special was Siana. As a visitor who came to stay, Min realised she had fallen in love with little Itea because she viewed it through Siana's eyes, who was filled with love for it. Then there was Siana's gentle father, who seemed intent on letting Siana become herself on her own, just watching and guiding from afar.

Min glanced at the boys as they talked to each other over her head, they were so much taller than her. Ken's eyes were shining, while Hyuk was listening and replying with the fervour of an excited child. She loved listening to their masculine voices describing their slow adventures in Itea with such playfulness. She sensed that they were naturally effusive characters who wanted to show their welcome, but that they were also trying not to show off too much. Her belief was that boys like them, men really, who had come up through life in a sort of bubble like theirs, retained a lot of their child-like qualities even when they were functioning as full professionals. She felt like a mother-figure, an audience to them trying to impress her with manners, sociability and loveability. It was something she didn't feel comfortable with, as she always sought very masculine, adult qualities in the guys she was interested in.

Then again, she mused, she was rarely interested in guys for the long term. Her desire to remain distant was perhaps borne of her own fear of being vulnerable. She knew enough of herself to understand that perhaps that was a disadvantage for her, that she would never really get close to someone. However, for now, she preferred the neat, compartmentalised aspects of keeping her relationships purely platonic, or purely physical.

She thought about her interactions with both Hongbin and N, and found that she was surprised by them. She had felt sorry for Hongbin, but she also felt irritated by his lovelorn idiocy. Siana wasn't for him, and she had wanted to wake him up to that fact at first - before she realised that he knew it very well, and that he was sort of stuck in a turnstile of emotions he couldn't overcome. She had to leave him be, let him get through it somehow.

And for some reason, she was very affected by it and hated to see him suffering.

On the other hand, she had found a likeminded animal in N, cool, dispassionate and composed, yet ultimately very deeply partial to the people he favoured. His seeming neutrality masked something within him that she sensed was a need for a sort of deep kinship with others. She suspected that once he liked someone, he made the person his to take care of. She found that oddly, appealingly, attractive. And she knew that at their first conversation, he had all but said he liked her very much. Even more oddly, she found that strangely comforting.

It was strange because she had always thought she would find that sort of thing stifling.

Behind, she noticed Ravi trailing the three of them, and behind him Siana and Leo walked side by side, at the smallest possible distance to each other.

Min sensed that Ravi was physically chaperoning them, hanging back as if to allay any suspicion that Leo and Siana were alone, together.

Min shook her head. Here she was, walking in a boy convoy with two contenders for the prize at each end, and in between, all sorts of loyalties and doubts and trust. And, despite the covering by N, despite the unspoken sentiments, it was as if honest feelings were bubbling at the surface and threatening to pop this bubble of friendship.

In the midst of it all, Min felt that Siana was walking a little blind. Not just blind to what Hongbin felt about her, which was understandable since he wanted her not to know - but blind to what was coming. From the weight that seemed to hang in the air between the members, that even emanated from Siana despite being high on new love, Min felt that expectations for their future hung more on the ominous side - and that was because they were all so hung up on keeping their relationship a secret.

Min wondered how bad it could possibly be. Hate from fans because their idol got a girl? She imagined the most petulant, most resentful of fans. Would they resort to boycotting their idol? Their music? Deriding them in public or online? Physical harm? Min couldn't understand how there could be such people willing to do horrendous things to people they didn't know.

She understood jealousy, of course - but between real people from real relationships. Min paused for a moment. Weren't all jealousies somewhat rooted in what people imagined they were losing something? Or missing out on something? Or from a deep sense of ownership of the other person?

That was it. She realised such fans would feel they owned idols to a certain extent. It made a bit more sense, but then it didn't give Min enough of a reason why Siana and Leo should be secretive. If they ended up wanting to be together forever, would they do that in secret too?

There was no waiting for a right time for this kind of thing. It was like letting down a third party gently - it was impossible. You could do it respectfully, kindly, even with great love or care. But the other person's feelings... She glanced up at Hongbin. He walked along, his shoulders hunched. Next to him, N practically huddled against him in support.

The only way the other person could possibly have a gentler let down is if they were already prepared for such a thing.