Winter Hearts

Souvenir

Leo wanted to put his hands on her, hold her tight, kiss, her, take her home with him.

But he kept his distance, his hand dropping from his mouth as he looked at her. Her mouth was still soft from their kiss. But her eyes... She was giving him such a look of bewilderment that he felt as if he had slapped her. She looked away, still a little taken aback by his sudden withdrawal.

He took her hand, hoping she would look back at him. She let out a little laugh and pulled her hand away, swallowing.

She finally looked at him, her eyes hard.

Leo wished he could go back, go back to when it was all alright, when it was him and her, and their kiss. Right now, he didn't know how to explain himself. He felt like he had lost control and taken something for himself, for him to feel good about, without thinking about the consequences. Even now, even while she was obviously pained by him, he wanted another kiss, another forever of kissing and more.

The moment he walked away from Hongbin in the club was the moment he had abandoned his restraint, his composure, and all the measured thinking that he had been doing about Siana that day.

He strode towards her, watching her mouth open as she took a deep breath whilst dancing with her eyes closed. He felt the heat of lust curling in his gut, but more than that, he felt like he wanted to be the man she needed, to be the one to make her happy.

When he saw the teardrop fall as she tried to hide her emotions, he almost lunged for her. In that moment he felt that he couldn't let her get away. He caught her and pulled her to face him. She immediately hid her emotions, but he could see that she was also pleased to see it was him. He felt his heart could soar out of his body with joy that she was happy it was him. He wanted to pull her into his arms, and it took all his strength not to let the urge overcome him.

When he asked her if she was okay, she watched his mouth as if she wanted a taste. He had to shut his and control his erratic breathing. He felt crowded by the music, the people, by their friends. He wanted her all to himself, he needed to know what was going on in her head and her heart. When he leaned in to talk in her ear, he wanted to put her earlobe into his mouth and suck on it.

He didn't know how he kept a control of himself, because he felt that he was a moment away from losing it.

When they were finally alone, he had to put his hands in his pockets to try to gain control. But... she was looking at him, telling him about the song, about the feelings that it had stirred in her, about the lover who had left without another thought. Her eyes had a sadness in them, they were still wet from earlier, but her expression as she looked at him, he thought she was searching for his soul in his eyes.

He had to have her, had to make her his. He knew that she would reciprocate if he made the first move, at least that was what he saw in her eyes: an invitation. He took his hands out of his pockets, taking a step closer. She seemed to soften, looking deeply into his eyes as he spoke softly about missing and wanting someone.

It struck him that for an ex-lover to flaunt her happiness in front of a heartbroken man, was a cruel thing to do.

When he finally kissed her, he tasted salt from her tear, and the sweet lingering taste of the fruit they had both eaten earlier. He also tasted her, and felt her urging tongue respond to his. He felt alive, and could hear his heartbeat in his ears and his breath quicken.

He could feel his control unravelling, and heard himself moan deeply. He felt her become languid at the sound, as if she could melt into his arms, and knew that she was as vulnerable as he was to their passion.

It was then that he realised that Siana could be his, wanted to be his.

And the enormity of that realisation hit him like a tonne of bricks. Even as he felt her soft lips under his, he couldn't help thinking, how could he subject her to what was to come if he let her believe there was a possibility of them being together? She could not have any idea of what the consequences of being with him would be, and he didn't want to bring that aspect of his world crashing down into her world. She deserved more than that.

So he broke the kiss and stepped away.

And now she was looking at him as if he was scum.

"Don't tell me. It's for my own good?" she looked up at him accusingly.

He wished he could agree with her out loud because that was the real truth of it. But he knew he couldn't without hurting her, and it made him feel ashamed.

"Let me explain-" he began.

She pushed past him and began walking out of the carpark. Leo went after her, grabbing her hand. She turned on him, her eyes fiery. Her voice was quiet, but low and ominous.

"You want more souvenirs?" She said.

He was aghast. She thought he was using her for kicks, just satisfying his own physical needs.

"I'm not like that-"

"But you are. You just behaved like that. You ARE like that." She stated, staring him dead in the eyes.

Leo didn't know what to say. He thought he was acting honourably, protecting her from himself and his world. Yet when she voiced his own reasoning back at him, her words, which matched his own thoughts, made him feel ashamed of himself. To her, it looked exactly like it was: she had exposed her desire to him, he had gotten his kiss and then dropped her cold.

Her pride was hurt, and she felt used. He realised with a jolt that his actions were a result of his overthinking, or at least his bad timing.

"I'm sorry." He stated plainly. He knew explaining himself would make things worse right now. He could only confess his true feelings, which were remorse.

"Please keep to yourself. I don't think I can stand to see you right now." He saw tears well up in her eyes, but she turned quickly and walked out of the carpark into the darkness.