Winter Hearts

Into The Fire

Leo had walked up behind Siana as she went to check with Min and the others about their seating arrangement.

He felt agitated, on edge.

Hongbin's behaviour had him feeling like he had a thorn in his side, some unarticulated guilt or irritation that he felt he needed to settle. It was bad enough that he felt that he and Siana had not really had a chance to connect properly since leaving Itea. It was bad enough he felt like he was letting himself down by not knowing what more to do or say to her. For her.

To have Hongbin chide them for their affectionate display had made him angry, because he realised he could not fault Hongbin, even though he knew that Siana felt remorse and to blame for his words. They had walked together in silence, each in their thoughts, and it made him frustrated to think he didn't know how to make things better.

He knew it the moment he had said, "I missed you," that it was not enough. There was something more that he had to convey, something deeper than that momentary emptiness he experienced in her absence.

He had been torn between the idea of letting her go, letting her be free of all the hassle that he could see potentially hurting her, and something else, something a little more frightening.

For the first time since they had started seeing each other, he felt the fear of not really knowing how to move forward. He knew why. It was from suddenly realising what Siana would have to go through if things didn't work out in their favour.

He felt foolish for having talked with such bravado about only being together if she could be fully committed. She herself had been willing to keep it casual, to just see where it could go with their limited time together. He still felt the same way, that they shouldn't limit themselves to the time restraint they had - but as soon as he had had a taste of the repercussions of their predicament for her... he realised he hadn't thought things through when it came to what she could be exposed to.

Oh, he knew in theory what could happen. He had warned her about it. He had talked about it with N, Hongbin. Ravi.

What he hadn't done was realised that she had given him the best option when it came to protecting her interests - and that he should have considered it more carefully than he did. He had insisted, because he wanted to show her that he would be there for her, that she had nothing to fear.

He had wanted to her to trust that he would be there for her.

And when the worst case seemed to have happened, he felt utterly helpless, and a bit like a charlatan who had promised her something he wasn't sure how he was going to deliver.

As they walked slowly through the streets of Athens, he wanted very much to pull her aside and tell her she could do whatever she wanted, whatever she thought would make her feel safe. That she could forget his promises if she felt afraid. He wanted to let her feel free, but he also felt that it was a cheat's way out, backing out of his word.

And he didn't want her to choose the option to leave, and to think of him that way.

Which made it very clear to him what he had to do: he had to choose between doing what was expected of him, and doing what he wanted to do.

What he wanted to do was make her his, and make her happy.

He couldn't do that if she had to hide her relationship with him, and if he had to pretend he wasn't in one. But exposing her to that world...

He ground his teeth, his jaw clenching, as they reached the club they were supposed to go to. He listened to her gentle, lilting speech as she spoke to the bouncer and tried to get them a private table or room. Her expression was earnest, her eyes sparkling as she inquired with the man. She shook her legs as she spoke, obviously cold, and Leo couldn't help wishing he could wrap her in his arms and simply handle the situation for her.