Winter Hearts

While Siana Dreams

Leo saw the small light come on in the darkness, and stepped back when he saw Mr Mikhalis come out into the yard. He didn't want to go back inside yet, but he wanted to avoid any interaction so he could just be by himself on the balcony in peace. He noticed the young woman who followed him out, and watched as they sat together with ease and she wolfed down her meal.

He listened to them chatting, he supposed mostly in Greek, but every now and then he heard English words. They were too hushed for him to get the gist of their conversation. Suddenly the balcony shutter was thrown open and N peered out. Leo remained still and quiet, not wishing to let on that he had been standing there all along.

He saw her look up directly into his eyes. He saw she was an Asian mix, but most intriguing were her large almond-shaped eyes which carried a glint of defiance in them. She seemed angry that their privacy was intruded upon. He was startled that she was staring straight at him, but then realised that she couldn't actually see his face, as she shielded her eyes from the light. N waved and said a quiet hello to Mr Mikhalis, who waved back. Leo couldn't look away. He saw her eyes narrow a little before she bent her head to hide her face. She had obviously realised that there was someone else besides N, and that he had been watching them for longer than N's sudden appearance. Her damp hair fell over her face, straight and long. Leo realised she was the girl he had seen on the basketball court. Then she suddenly gathered up her food wrappings and went inside.

He motioned to N to be quiet. Leo knew Mr Mikhalis hadn't seen him, and had only noticed N.

N lifted his chin in questioning, then held up a wrapped item - food with the same sort of wrapping she had been eating out of. Leo nodded as N motioned that he would leave it inside, and left.

Leo held his breath as he watched the girl come back out and lean over Mr Mikhalis for a hug and a kiss. He wondered if they were related, since Mr Mikhalis was definitely not Asian. He had a sudden, reluctant thought that they were not, and that perhaps they were friends, or even romantically involved. He peered down at her as she stood up straight and smiled before leaving.

When she was gone, he saw Mr Mikhalis rest for a moment, looking up at the sky. Leo looked up to see it and the tiny twinkling stars in the distance. Because the town had few bright lights, and because the air was cold and crisp and clean, the night sky was thick and dark and close, and it felt as if he was standing right under the sky such that he could reach out and touch it.

He felt a sudden rush of sensation, a dizzying breathlessness and could hear his heartbeat in his ears. He felt as if his next breath would carry him over the balcony rails and he would soar out over the groves and up into the mountains. The feeling both scared him and enthralled him, made him feel like there was magic in the air. He felt the urge to capture the feeling with words and music, and wondered if he could do it justice with a song. He suddenly wished he was back at his studio where he could put everything down as the mood came to him. Here, away from his tools, he only had apps and recording devices at his disposal.

He realised that someone was coming out onto the balcony below him, so he quietened his heart, slowing his breaths. He heard a soft sigh and wondered if it was the girl from before. She was staying directly below them? Then he heard a gasp, as she seemed to fall over, which caught the attention of Mr Mikhalis below, who then called up in concern.

They had a brief conversation while Leo kept out of full view. The tone of her voice was gentle, and he could hear a little tiredness in it, along with a strange breathlessness. He was intrigued, and wondered how often he would be seeing her again, since she lived directly below them. Then he realised that Ken would be staying next door to her along with Joon and MIn Seok, and for a moment he felt a twinge of old jealousy come up. Ken, who always had such ease with anyone, but especially with the opposite sex.

At first it hadn't mattered to Leo that there were more personable people in the group than he was. He was confident in his talent and skills, enough to be certain that he would make the final cut of their group. But after their debut came appearances, variety shows and interviews. He wouldn't just be performing or making music and just putting his talent out there. He found he had to put himself out there too, and it became painfully obvious to him and everyone around him, that he didn't really know how to do that. It didn't feel natural to lay himself out bare.

He would see the others, even the shyer, more inexperienced dongsaengs, come out of their shells onscreen and gain more confidence, and wonder what it was that was holding him back. He had felt a particular envy of Ken, who seemed to be comfortable in almost any situation. Of all of them, at first, Ken was most comfortable in his own skin, even when he was goofing off or embarrassing himself.

At the time, Leo never had a quick answer for anything unless it was to a straight forward, factual question. He had trouble noting sarcasm or dry humour sometimes, or he didn't show enough of a reaction to acknowledge a joke or comment. He was embarrassed to notice the members would try to compensate or make excuses or joke about him, and wanted desperately to break out of his awkwardness.

Things were a little different now. He could show parts of himself to the world without feeling that he was showing too much. He capitalised on his awkwardness and found it was the sort of thing that made him uniquely attractive to his fans. He felt most comfortable with N and Hyuk onscreen because they had a gentle ease with him and could coax the more dry humour he possessed out of him. Like his performances on stage, there was a part of him he was exhibiting which he felt was true to his character, but he was a little embarrassed to have the world know about him.

This was a part of what he envied about Ken. Like the others, Ken was comfortable with his stage and screen persona, and was practically the same person on and off the stage, both with their friends, family and colleagues, and with fans and strangers. But Leo saw himself as putting a part of himself out there that he couldn't reconcile with himself, and that included the sexual moves and expressions as well as the cheery smiles and cuteness.

Perhaps deep down, he feared that someone would recognise that there were stronger urges within him than he let on, and that he wasn't sure he had full control over himself.

Perhaps he was a control freak whose biggest fear was that he would lose the tight grip he had over himself.

He didn't really know, and it hurt his head to think too much about it, even though he seemed to like spending time thinking too much about things.

This was where he knew N was his truest friend. Even though the other boys were somewhat aware of his preoccupations, N was the only one who had actively stepped in to help when he was floundering. To a certain extent, he recognised that Hyukkie, that monster child, was taking care of him as well, taking imaginary sides with him when he needed it most, then manhandling him for fun in return.

And now, for some reason, that old feeling that he couldn't compare to someone like Ken, had risen up out of forgotten memories.

Leo looked back up at the sky, trying to recall that heady feeling he felt just moments ago, trying to distract himself with thoughts of song-writing and expression. He felt hampered by the fact that he couldn't start work straight away, and the rising feelings ebbed away under a current of frustration with his circumstances.

They were stuck here for almost a month before they would return for a week of rehearsals before their concerts in the south east asian region.

Whatever would he do until their return?