Winter Hearts

What Hongbin Learns in the Marketplace

Joonie paid, and they got up, putting on various scarves and hats and coats. Siana led the way, and was caught up to very quickly by N and Hyuk. The rest followed behind, watching N chatter to Siana with the assistance of Hyuk.

Leo walked next to Ravi, thankful for Ravi's self-absorption. Much as N was someone who had his back and understood him on a level others didn't seem to display, Ravi had a neutral vibe to him that relaxed Leo. He liked that Ravi never initiated any teasing. He only reacted to people teasing him, or reacted to others' silly behaviour. He seemed to walk through life with a deep, quiet confidence and acceptance of whatever came his way, whilst at the same time going for what he wanted with a single-mindedness that left Leo in awe.

He felt that Ravi didn't judge anyone, not even in the privacy of his own mind or feelings. It was for that reason Leo felt he was the gentlest of all of them because he had no spiteful bone in his body, even when he wrote his lyrics. Because no matter what, Ravi would never use whatever moral ammunition he had on you, against you.

On the other hand, it was terribly annoying to find that Ravi seemed to have almost no desire to connect deeply with any particular person. He liked steady, non-committal relationships that were grounded in work and responsibility. And unlike himself, Ravi was a workhorse who scheduled his own work if there was none to do. When others were looking forward to rest, Ravi became antsy and listless.

Leo stayed close by his side because he felt Ravi was the least affected by Siana's presence. Besides perhaps, Hongbin. Everyone else had displayed an uncommon interest in her, and it irked Leo.

He felt a little betrayed by N, who was busy forming an easy friendship with Siana without including him. He resented Hyuk for his fabulous english and his boyish charms. He hated that Siana didn't realise that Ken was generous with his flirting and would flirt with grandmas and grandpas with that overloaded eye smile. He felt sore that he had none of these things to share with her, and that he was being left behind somehow. He realised that she was probably wondering if she was somehow unlikeable to him, since he was keeping an uneasy distance between them.

N often admonished him for overthinking and over-compensating for what he perceived he was lacking.

"We are all born perfect. We are all born loveable," N would say. He couldn't understand how N could have such utter faith in himself, even when he was making a fool of himself on tv.

"You care too much about what people will think of you. But they already love you or hate you, and there is nothing you can do about it. So relax. Be like Ravi and don't worry about the haters. UGH why am I talking to you, everyone knows you are the fan favourite anyway, Hamjji."

Then N would hug him tight and pretend to struggle. "Let me go, get away from me! Stop it, Taekwoon!" Then Leo would laugh at his silliness and be embarrassed by N's words, and try to follow his advice.

He felt he was making progress, especially beginning to feel comfortable with having no control over how he appeared on tv. The boys had cottoned on to the reasons for his self-consciousness: that he didn't want to make a fool of himself unknowingly. Which is why they knowingly made a fool of him all the time, making sure he was really clear on that fact. So, sadly for him, who the one who most cared about appearing cool and self-possessed, he was the one who most often fell prey to humiliation and razzing on the set. Even though N got a lot of it, he knew how to give back. Leo was always at a loss for words when it came to striking back verbally.

He was pleasantly surprised to find the fans loved to see that vulnerable side of him, and began to relax a lot more with his brothers on set, allowing himself to be the weary, sad, old, weak and put-upon prey that Hyuk liked to call him. He really was a grandpa in the group.