Winter Hearts

Vital Min

Min had already packed Siana's bag when she got a call from her saying she was running late. Packing for Siana was a breeze - the girl had no make up except a tinted lip balm which she never carried with her, her toothbrush and hairbrush, and nothing else except the clothes she wore.

Min smirked. Where some girls liked to play up the assets they had, Siana preferred being as natural as could be, even downplaying hers.

"That way I don't have to manage my feelings over a boy who can't manage his feelings over how I look," she used to say - one of the few times she felt their attitudes matched perfectly. In this case, not caring more about what the boys thought than what made her comfortable.

What you see is what you get, basically, and Min thought they would be getting a lot. She was proud of Siana for being as forthright as she was, but she couldn't help feeling that there were times she could just make better choices.

Like burning those things she called shoes. Those things were unhygienic and bad for the soul.

For MY soul, Min thought.

She checked out, her mind turning to the events the night before as she rode in a taxi to the bus terminal. N had hailed one for her the night before, and they had said a comfortingly quick and easy goodnight as he shut the door. There was something unburdened about their parting, despite the unsettling feelings she had had during their walk together alone.

Perhaps it was knowing they were soon to meet - but she dismissed that. Knowing she would see him soon gave her butterflies, something she never felt for any of her quick liaisons, probably because she usually preferred it to be clear with them that they wouldn't be seeing each other under the same circumstances again. No ties, no lies, no pain.

No, it was unburdened because he was okay with being perfunctory about their goodbye, just as she was. No lingering looks, touches or further attempts to kiss goodnight. He told her he would see her in Itea after they had settled, and that he was okay with however she wanted to move forward, just like that, as if he were checking off a shopping list. The most they did as they walked on was hold hands, and even then, it seemed mostly to keep her hand warm. He let it go as they approached the kerb and he looked around for the others.

Min felt comforted by the distance he was keeping, and by the way he became intimate. Not only on a physical, but mental level as well - and this comforted her emotionally.

She didn't think she would ever be ready to face the possibility of a relationship that involved being with someone for longer than on a short-term basis. That one hurtful experience in her past had scared her so badly that she had decided that her heart had no place in any relationship she sought to create - and so she indulged her need for love purely on a physical level, only allowing herself to enjoy the men she engaged with on an intellectual level if they somehow could look past their preoccupation with her body and see her for her mental acuity and personality. But once she sensed they were falling for her, or that they were beginning to care somehow, she cut it off.

After a while she realised that the emptier the basis of the relationship, the easier it was to keep them at an emotional distance, and her heart from getting scared of whatever possibilities could arise that would remind her of that one relationship.

She didn't see herself as easy, nor as someone who sought one-night stands - but if the opportunity arose, and if the circumstances were right, where she knew she wouldn't see the person again, or he was absolutely clear that he wanted nothing more, she would indulge herself.

It both assuaged her need to feel loved, and made her feel lonely at the same time.

She would often see that loneliness much as she saw Siana's solitariness - not realising that the choice to wait for a fulfilling relationship did not compare to the feelings of dejection that came after nipping the potential blossoming of a relationship in the bud.

After doing it for a few years, she could feel that it was not enough, and yet she couldn't imagine opening up and letting herself be vulnerable to the men that she tended to go for.

She had replaced the fear of being hurt with a bravado she no longer truly felt. It had once kept her safe, but now she found that she was trapped by it.

She felt she could not even remember what caring looked or felt like, and that scared her more now.

So whilst she realised N's behaviour could be seen as cold, or distant, or plain non-expressive, it allowed her to relate and communicate with him without ever putting her true emotions out there. In a surprising twist, instead of their conversation becoming precise and emotionally empty, it turned suggestive and evocative - because what was unsaid was speaking louder than words.

And when he spoke directly, as he did when he said in an almost offhand manner that he would be fine with whatever direction she wanted to take, it was short and succinct and allowed her to grasp the enormity of what he was giving her - choice, time - without it weighing on her emotionally.

He gave her space, and she delighted in the feeling of lightness it gave her.

She pulled her phone out to scroll through her timeline and found herself gravitating towards the boys' official social media. She found pictures that lead her through repostings and comments until she found herself scrolling through fan comments and accounts, until something caught her eye.

She had gone past it, and had to scroll back to look for it.

When she caught it, she found herself reading and re-reading the sensationalised headlines, to see if she had not made a mistake.