Winter Hearts

While Siana Thinks She Is Alone

Leo let N move his toiletries into his bathroom.

While N felt he had won a little victory, Leo was thinking that now he had the perfect bathroom mate who would clean up and keep things organised. By the same token, nobody else would want to share because they usually avoided sharing with N. Leo thought briefly about how the world behaved, and felt with certainty that there was a natural order to things, and that his total acceptance of N was one of many small ways in which the members co-existed peacefully.

He smiled. They always teased each other and rarely had bad fights or prolonged resentment. But the teasing came from truths. And truth be told, Leo realised, he was lazy about personal relationships. Or more honestly, he didn't really know how to initiate things. He realised that much of the time, others felt they were doing the work when it came to his relationships with them.

N often admonished him about it, telling him he should act from the heart, and to trust himself. Leo didn't really know what N meant by that. He didn't understand what it meant to trust oneself. It's not like he would hurt himself on purpose. The concept confused him. N would try to explain, but the words seemed to fall over him in a jumble and he would end up just nodding and saying he would do better.

He opened up the balcony door and walked out into the brisk morning air, listening to the town come to life as the sun began to rise.

But Leo understood when N spoke about him acting from the heart. N would point out that he always took care of their dongsaengs in a way N didn't, which he reckoned was caring. Leo understood what N meant by that. Because he just did those things without thinking, just because they had to be done, and he could.

But noticing when someone needed space, or when someone needed to talk... Leo didn't know how to do that. He realised he spent too much time in his head, and if it wasn't about music and work, then it was about how he could avoid undue attention when he wasn't performing.

He gulped down the suddenly cold coffee and sighed. Unless everything was planned out, or had distinct limitations, or had set rules, he began to flounder. And dealing with people often meant not knowing what the boundaries were, or not knowing what to expect. Or feeling like there were unknown expectations of him, which could stress him out sometimes.

He was nearing thirty, and he felt he still hadn't figured life out. While he was walking on a road of success that he couldn't have fathomed when he started, others admired him. He felt conflicted. He had a great awareness that his role in the business that was Vixx was as just another player, who, although seemed irreplaceable, did not get that place on his own. He was another cog in the machine, albeit a famous, well-dressed, well-blowdried and well-rehearsed one. All the real action was going on in corporate boardrooms upstairs while he looked into mirrors and audiences with seductive expressions.

Leo looked up to see N who had stuck his head out, smiling.

His smile disappeared.

"Are you thinking again? Stop it. I mean it! We are going downstairs to wake up Ken and Joon. Coming?"

"I will catch up."

N pointed at him, clicked his tongue and winked. Leo smirked. Then N was gone.

Leo took the cup back to the kitchen and noticed everyone was gone except one person who was showering. He grabbed his coat and walked out, still in his sleeping clothes. He shoved his feet into the boots he had worn to travel and closed the door behind him.

He slipped on the coat as he took the stairs, sauntering down slowly, listening as he passed each floor to the sounds within the different homes. One floor down, he heard the boys chatting loudly in the flat below theirs. He noted that the only other door on that floor must belong to the girl's home, whose balcony was directly below his.