Winter Hearts

New Moon

The light was so bright he could see it's whiteness through his closed eyelids. He felt couched in a soft downy, blankety embrace, warm but not stifling. His breathing was light and easy and he felt a kind of contentment, even though there was a heaviness in his heart that seemed like the residual mud left by a slow-moving river.

Mud. Like the coffee grains in those cups of coffee he had had while he was here. Like the one that Siana had made him.

Siana.

He turned his head, sensing a presence next to him, a warmth that held onto him without touching him.

Who...?

It felt like Siana, but it wasn't her. He felt comforted, but not stirred by her presence. Before, it was temptation, now it seemed a vague promise. He could feel himself coming into awareness, wanting to identify this presence, that seemed to be fading as he tried to reach out and grasp its meaning. He inhaled sharply, trying to open his eyes, but the sleep wouldn't leave him. Finally, he relaxed, allowing himself to breathe and feel the comfort of his prone body against the softness that enveloped him.

After a momentary lapse in thought, he fell into a pleasant sleep, slightly aware but all resting, thinking only of the sleep he was enjoying.

It felt like air, it felt like a breeze.

Hongbin opened his eyes and found himself face down on the bed in Leo's room, covered by the soft duvet that he supposed Leo had thrown over him.

He rolled over, his arms flung out wide as he stretched so deeply that he felt his muscles shivering into life. When he finished, he felt breathless from the effort, and lay there languid and lazy for a good few minutes.

He had slept so restfully that it took him a while to recall why he was even there, and when the memory of his conversation with Leo bubbled up, he felt nothing more than an observational calm about it.

He thought vaguely that he had had a dream, but it was more of a feeling of contentment that stayed with him, rather than a memory of its story.

Everything is alright, he thought. Let's see how long that lasts, he also thought.

He glanced around the room, sensing that he was alone.

"Hyung?" he murmured, just to check.

His voice sounded thick with sleep, and he rolled over onto his other side to curl up and face the window.

Outside the sky looked white, and the tops of the trees looked a dirty grey. Beyond, he could see the outline of a rocky, dusty hill that, somewhere out of view, led to the Acropolis.

The phone rang, and he slowly reached over to pick it up.

Before he could say anything, he heard Hyuk's cheerful, sunshiney voice, like a piercing bell in his ear.

"Leo Hyung, we are trying to locate Binnie-" Hyuk started.

"Binnie is more or less here. What do you want, Maknae?"

"I want you, Binnie Hyung."

"Just... please stop that-"

"Where is Leo Hyung? I want him too."

"Not sure he wants you back."

"That hurts almost as much as not being invited to your sleepover in Hyung's room."

"You must learn to manage your feelings, little Hyuk. Instead of managing your hyungs."

"I'm not ready to let go, Hongbin-ssi," Hyuk had the grace to chuckle.

"What's the time?"

"Breakfast time. We will be leaving in an hour."

Hongbin sat up, realising he didn't have much time to get ready and have breakfast.

"Okay I'll be down in a minute."

He hung up and got out of bed, roughly folding the cover before he left. As was their practice in hotel rooms, Leo's stuff was packed away, but his overnight bag was bulging unevenly.

Such poor packing methods, Hongbin thought to himself. He didn't think he could leave his room if his own bag looked like that. He would think about it all day.

And now I will think of Leo's bag all day, he sighed wistfully. The burdens of an orderly mind.

He left the room and went quickly to his, jumping in the shower and choosing jeans, a crisp shirt and fitted sweater to wear after he had finished. Neatly trying on some sneakers, he grabbed his overcoat and ran a light hand through his still-wet hair.

He glanced at himself in the mirror before leaving, noticing that he had barely thought of last night as he got ready. In fact, he felt closer to himself than he had been for the last few days: quick, light, easy. There was only a small weight in his heart, and that was a kind of solidified regret that things had turned out this way, and that he had had to burden Leo with his confession.

He'll live, he thought, with a little shrug of nonchalance. So will I.

He left the room, a little perplexed that the depth of feeling he had felt the night before, seemed to have vanished, vaporised overnight.

Is this what confession does? Crying? Does it strip me completely of all those feelings I had?

He had barely given Siana a thought this morning, and wondered if he was in a kind of shock. Was he feeling numbness? Or lightness? Would those feelings suddenly descend upon him and overwhelm him during the day? Would he see her and find himself unable to function, to feel in touch with his normally quick-witted, easy-going self?

He found the possibility of that happening didn't alarm him, didn't eat at him the way it had yesterday, the day before.

And for the first time that morning, felt something so deep that it surprised him, threatened to bring tears to his eyes.

He felt utter relief.