Winter Hearts

If only

Siana had her faced turned up to the sun, her eyes closed, and her hot coffee cradled in her hands.

She was still sitting by the roadside outside the restaurant opposite the school. They had closed for siesta, but since they knew her, they had just asked her to leave the cup by the entrance before she left.

The afternoon sun was glorious, heating the ground and tempering the chill in the air.

She felt better after eating and spending some time alone, and she was looking forward to sweating on the courts with Panos. She felt that she had been dragged through an emotional turbine after all that had happened, and getting physical and working out would help her get grounded and feel herself again.

Her usual routine upon reaching Greece was to slowly get into the gentle daily life and decompress from living in a metropolis like Kuala Lumpur. Her mum still had family back in Sabah, so they often visited there - and that was the only other place where she could do the same. She thought maybe after she got back home, if her mum was willing, they could go visit Sabah for a week or two. Living in KL could be stressful, and for a seaside baby like herself who had grown up by the sea, whether it was in Sabah, or here in Itea, it had taken her about six months to acclimatise when she and her mum had moved there after the divorce. She had felt crowded by the people and the buildings.

She couldn't see the sky nor the sea, and it had made her feel like she was suffering cabin fever in the streets.

So coming to Greece felt like a ritual, yearly cleansing which she looked forward to. When she arrived, she would go about visiting all the usual places, like the morning market, the bike rides to the school and through the olive groves. Eventually she would make the rounds and see old relatives and then take long drives with her father to Delphi, Arachova and Amfissa. When all that was done, she would go visit another portside town to the west, more ancient and more lovely, called Galaxidi, which literally meant Vinegar Milk or Soured Milk.

Her father would take her on a long inland drive that would bring them back out along the coast several miles to the west of Galaxidi, near the wind farm. There, they would get out atop the cliff and look for the blue-purple anemone flowers, and she would pick some only to have them wither by the time they reached home.

These rituals, these comforting, repetitive routines, they were special things that cemented memories of her father, Itea and beautiful cold days in the sun, in her heart and mind.

They gave her sustenance, and they nourished her and prepared her once again for the bustle of her everyday life back home.

She brought her head up, eyes still closed against the sun, and smelled her way towards the coffee cup in her hands. Gently, she sipped the last of it, letting its nutty, earthy heat run down her throat and warm her.

She felt at once enraptured by the dance she was dancing with Leo, and at the same time as if her yearlong yearning for her peaceful rituals was truncated and stopped short.

Leo.

From the hype of meeting Vixx that was somewhat muted by his couldn't-care-less first entrance, to the unfortunate accident on the basketball court, to the wonderful, easy conversation they had had at Miami, to the strange mood he was in at dinner, to the heart-stopping words he had said to her on the dance floor and outside, and to the luscious, momentous, tongue-tangling moment under the tree... this dance was a wish come true that had spoiled the good things in her life.

She smiled. Dramatic, but true, and not necessarily a bad thing.

The only thing was, instead of being distanced from Leo, she wished that she could show him all the wonderful things that made her life good for her. She snorted. He was a pop idol who travelled the world and sang to thousands in stadiums. He bumped shoulders with seniors who had paved the way for him and was a representative for his industry and country. Would he even be interested in her long pointless drives to collect flowers that died on the way home?

Flower-killer, she called herself, smiling.

If only, if only, if only. She was a silly thing who got caught up in her fantasies and let herself be used because the object of her imaginary affections had reciprocated with his attentions.

But they were such nice attentions, Siana wailed silently, sliding down in her seat and sticking her legs out on their heels.

Why had she set herself up for torture? She had given him a second chance, but on a schedule a week from now, and it seemed like she was going to suffer from heartache waiting it out.

But she wasn't about to give in and let him explain sooner. She still had some pride.

But if the opportunity is forced upon us, well, I would be too belligerent if I didn't allow it to happen naturally. It would be plain obstinacy.

She heard her name being called from across the street and opened her eyes to find four Vixx boys waving at her.

Ravi, Hongbin, Hyuk and Ken.

Siana's heart leapt. What were they doing there? She was hoping it was a coincidence that they happened to have walked all the way out to the school on their own, without a car, without their manager.

She waved back, a little wary. She saw Hongbin looking at her seriously, a small smile on his lips. Ravi was chatting with Hyuk, and Ken... well there was that smile again, like she was the loveliest thing he had ever seen.

She felt like a sunflower basking in the light of the glorious sun. It was quite magical the effect Ken's attention had on her, surprisingly so, since she had never really sensed that about him til she saw him in real life.

She remembered him heading towards her in the studio when they had first met, and how he had made her feel like she was water, and he was a man dying of thirst.

But her concern was for whether Leo would notice her, or do something that would make her feel that same way. He hadn't.

Then she remembered being chased up the stairs by Ken, who had started it as an ice-breaker, but she had caught his wolfish glances at her body when she had spun around to look at him suddenly.

Those looks hadn't made her heart race or her breath stop like they did when Leo looked at her like that.

She wondered why she was thinking this way. She didn't like comparing people, especially not two who showed interest in her, who were close like brothers.

Ken beckoned, pretending she was saying no, then beckoned again, cutely, begging her to come join them. He was adorable, and he made her feel adorable.

She realised why she was comparing them.

Between Ken and Leo, she suspected being with Ken would be fun, harmless and charming, the opposite of what she now knew getting involved with Leo was like: complicated, unpredictable. Hot.

And much as she had always thought she would want the Ken option, she was certain that, even though he seemed the easier choice, she was just not interested in Ken.

That realisation made one thing supremely clear: she wanted Leo.

She got up, tidied her place and put the coffee cup by the door.

As she crossed the road, she thought to herself, way to make things hard for yourself, Siana.