Winter Hearts

Aftershock

Siana made herself a greek salad with the things she bought that morning, and put a couple of soft-boiled eggs into a bowl, topped with soy sauce. It was a mix of tastes which she loved. She ate slowly, watching a greek variety show on the tv. Like any variety show of all the cultures she knew, it was loud, silly, musical, comical and slightly bawdy. Same as the malay and korean shows she liked watching back home.

Her day had been eventful, to say the least, but she felt that she was beginning to feel the calm that descends upon oneself after the shock and panic of this kind of situation have subsided.

Well, maybe she was wrong and actually, the panic was beginning to bubble up.

Vixx was living all around her and she had practically seduced herself in the mirror while N, Hyuk and an as yet unknown person watched.

That person was either Hongbin, Ken or Leo. She thought it was likely Ken, since he had made a beeline towards her and all but winked at her, he had such a knowing look in his eye. Possibly it was Hongbin, whom she felt was discrete and gentlemanly and would not let on if he had seen her, for her sake. It could have been Leo... She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, forgetting to chew.

It would be different if she were on stage, she thought.

No, it wouldn't. She would still feel highly conscious, because... well, he was Leo... and they were Vixx. It was something she was used to doing onstage, performing with an attitude that was required for the sake of expression. But because she had had such a deep crush on Leo as a distant fan for so long, the idea of a repeat performance knowing he was watching, was scary. It felt like too much of what was private for her was being put on display. She didn't like that feeling of vulnerability. It felt dangerous, like it would spin out of her control.

She cried out a baby cry, shaking her head. She took a deep breath, trying to think of something else. It wasn't good to cry over food. She would think of the positive... like, turning up to her dad's remote hometown to find VIXX WAS LIVING IN HER HOME.

She clanked her fork down and put her head in her hands, feeling a little like she was going to vomit.

She felt her emotions, which she had kept from getting out of control the whole day, begin to spiral up and make her heart race.

She thought of when Leo had walked in the room and barely acknowledged her, then minutes later shared a laugh with her at their silly situation in the lift. He seemed to run hot and cold from one moment to the next. Perhaps he was trying to keep his distance as a habit and felt forced to engage out of politeness when the situation called for it.

She wanted desperately not to fawn over him, or any of them, she hated that kind of thing. But she felt that he could see through her pretences and that he probably knew what kind of thoughts she had had about Vixx in the past, thoughts that would make him embarrassed if she were to announce them. She cringed. Ugh.

"And he would be riiight!" she wailed to the tv. "Because I am a creepy fangirl!"

Thoughts from imagining what music he liked to whether he slept in the nude. Thoughts about whether if she hugged him, her head would fit in the crook of his neck. Thoughts about what he would like to do on a date, during and after. Thoughts about whether his lips would taste as good as they looked, or if they would feel hard or soft on hers. She had had all these thoughts, and more. Or should she say, worse.

She flopped onto the sofa, too embarrassed by herself, too ashamed of her lascivious mind, but at the same time thinking, "My head would so fit into the crook of his neck!" proud that she was tall enough for that.

AND IS THAT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF SIANAAAAA?

She kicked the air with both legs.

She was teaching kids dance. Earning money. She had graduated, having started on her vocation early, being way ahead of her peers. She had loving parents and could visit her father freely. Those were things to be proud of!

Siana stood up and collected her food, still half eaten, to take to the kitchenette. She put the salad in the fridge for later and wolfed down the rest of the eggs.

She washed up and went to put on some sweats.

In the mirror, she saw herself, flushed and frowning. Her hair, which she had always thought was shiny and slinky, looked flat. Her eyes, which always seemed to her to be alive and pretty, looked boring and brown. Her straight nose was characterless. Her healthy clear skin, dull and dreary. She thought Leo would think these things if he noticed.

STOP SIANA!

She was unused to looking at herself and thinking whether she looked good enough for someone else. Much as she would love to impress Leo, or any of them, she reminded herself that they were still strangers. Acquaintances, guests. And although she may know more about them than they knew about her, she only knew what was allowed to be known. 

She had no rights over them, and neither had they rights over her.

And that meant that, if Leo thought her hair was flat and her skin was dull and her eyes were boring... if he didn't like any of it, well, he could lump it.

She snapped her fingers at herself in the mirror. You go, girl. 

Then, like a child about to jump into a giant basket of candy, she locked her door and ran down the stairs to go play basketball.