Winter Hearts

Confessions

Hongbin sat, fidgeting, on the couch he had fallen off earlier that day, as he waited for everyone else to get ready.

Opposite, Leo was slouched into the corner of the sofa, his legs crossed and his arms crossed over his knee. He was gazing into the fireplace, which had a small fire dwindling in it. Since they had returned the night before, Kkomae had shown everyone the finer points of keeping a fire ablaze, and each of the boys had taken various levels of interest in never letting the thing die.

So they had been burning wood for almost twenty four hours straight.

It seemed a waste since the days were not that cold down here in Itea at sea level, but Hongbin felt that the love of the experience was a worthy one to keep it going. They had even been taught to let the fire die down but keep the embers going so that when they left the house, the heat would keep until they returned to rekindle the fire again quickly.

The room felt unbearably hot to him, though Leo seemed to enjoy the furnace-like wave of heat emanating from the fireplace. Hongbin watched him close his eyes, looking just like his namesake, a large, lanky lion whose closed, upturned eyes were both pretty and menacing at the same time.

Hongbin felt like he needed to say something, but the very thing he needed to say was what he didn't want to say at all. He felt that he was betraying himself - that attraction, or whatever it was that had such a sudden hold on him, was rushing him, making him feel guilty over something he hadn't done yet.

Perhaps it was his straightforward nature, perhaps he was lovestruck. He didn't think it was the latter. He just had an overwhelming need to come clean. To Leo. About Siana.

Do I even care for Siana in that way? He thought, looking at Leo's peaceful basking in the fire's heat.

I care for her as a friend. As a person who has shown she cares for us too, personally. He sighed suddenly. How physical attraction suddenly entered into his thoughts about her, was beyond him. When had he crossed that threshold? Was he simply lonely, and had a sudden jealousy upon seeing his Hyung get involved?

Hongbin felt that seemed rational. Then, it would be explainable that he felt protective over Siana, since he had already been there for her when she needed someone.

There it was. Hongbin realised, calmly.

There was that seed of thought that had made him compare himself to Leo.

He had been there for her, when Leo hadn't. That thought, which although seemed true, was actually an inflated sense of self-importance which was colouring his view of the events.

Even though he had been there for her, it was as a friend, and it was coincidental. She hadn't sought him out, she hadn't asked for him to be there. And at the time, he entertained no such thoughts as those he had now. Furthermore, they were not yet together at the time, and she wasn't crying about Leo, but about something completely unrelated.

Looking back at it, Hongbin realised he had given himself a significance to Siana that he didn't really have.

This was the power that lust had over one's rational thought, Hongbin mused. Not that lust was all he had on his mind. No, it was an urge to care for, to protect someone. Perhaps that is just something I am ready for, and it just so happens that I am witness to the unfolding of a relationship between a person I love, and a person who represents someone I wish I could care for.

Perhaps I am finally ready for that in my own life.

All at once, something in him settled, and the low-level anxiety that had been plaguing him for hours, dwindled, and died.

Now he could see why, now he understood.

Suddenly, the heat didn't seem so intense. Suddenly, it felt like it was seeping into him rather than attacking him, and he could feel it relax his muscles, as gentle as a sigh.

"I have to thank you, Binnie," he heard Leo's soft voice as he spoke through lazied lips. He looked up to see Leo's intense gaze on him.

"Hyung?" Hongbin was surprised.

"You held Siana's hand for me while I got my act together. You helped her wait for me patiently." Hongbin was taken aback. Leo paused, a catch in his throat. But he never let his gaze waver. Hongbin realised he was holding his breath.

"You just knew what to do, when I was still trying to figure out what was happening. I could have missed my opportunities. But you helped keep them open for me, in trust."

Hongbin laughed a little, overcome by emotion. Leo had just acknowledged everything that he had, up until the last moment, been resenting his Hyung for.

He nodded, looking down. He realised it was fortuitous that he had come to his own realisation about Siana just in time, because if he had heard Leo's confession earlier, he may not have really heard what Leo was saying.

It was disarming to have his respected brother acknowledge him in this manner, and he felt that he owed him an honest reply.

"Hyung, I just happened to be there. Siana didn't need any help from me. But she is someone I care for. She is a friend, and someone I could love too."

He paused, wondering what Leo would think of that. He could see Leo absorbing what he said and nodding, understanding. It was relieving, to have spoken the truth without it having a hold on him. There was no longer an emotional attachment to the idea. It was just a simple fact. Siana was loveable, and Leo got what Hongbin meant.

"We all love her." He finished, simply.

Leo nodded, looking back into the fire. He sniffed, then sighed.

They sat there in companionable silence until they heard N shuffle up to them in his socks, with his boots in hand. He plopped neatly onto the sofa next to Hongbin and started putting them on and adjusting the laces.

"If you think about it, we're like those american debutantes. You know? About to be introduced to society!" N smiled his smirky tight-lipped smile at Hongbin.

Hongbin laughed. Of course, that was how N would put it.

"Itea is about to be educated about six useless city boys who made it in the world," he said, loosening and tightening his laces with neat precision.

Leo smiled, closing his eyes again against the warmth from the fire. He hadn't moved once, and he looked the picture of feline grace with his arms crossed over his crossed legs.

"Mr Sphinx over there seems overwhelmed by excitement. How about you, our Hongbin?" N slapped a hand on Hongbin's knee. Out of habit, Hongbin's hand came out and deflected easily. Then, also out of habit, N grasped that hand and hugged it close to his chest. Hongbin giggled. N surely had a way of turning everything around to be about him.

"i can see you are excited, just like me. But let's save our affection for the public!" Hongbin laughed, hearing Leo chuckle quietly. N always delivered his words in such a way that outsider wouldn't know he was being deadpan, playing up his role as the queen of the bunch.

The boys knew he was anything but, but they loved it anyway.

And also enjoyed helping him dig himself deeper into his role, much to his chagrin.