Winter Hearts

Pre Game Nerves?

Leo changed into sports leggings and fleece shorts. He was dragging his feet, not really happy about Hongbin committing them both to their afternoon appointment on the basketball court.

He wondered if Hongbin really was interested in Siana. After all, he had been talking a mile about her on the jetty as they sat under the lighthouse. He acknowledged that Hongbin would have no idea of his own feelings towards her since he had never hinted to anyone that he found her even remotely attractive. As far as anyone knew, he was being his usual, quiet observing self.

Leo thought that Siana and Hongbin would be a good match, since it was obvious that Hongbin's gentle courteousness seemed to bring out her relaxed side. He thought that he had become more like that too, but it was clear from the day's proceedings that he had no idea how to make her feel comfortable around him.

He wondered how almost everyone else had become best buddies suddenly with her, a relative stranger. And how his own sense of ease around other people seemed to have disappeared in her presence. It wasn't as if she treated him differently, although she seemed to be shyer of him more than anyone else. That is probably because of me, he thought, giving off bad vibes or something. He admitted to himself that of them all, he was treating her with the least easiness.

Oh.

He realised why, suddenly. It was the guilt of knowing something no one else did - not her, not even his brothers.

It wasn't just the lying by omission - not admitting that he had accidentally and then purposefully, spied on her. N and Hyuk had already admitted to doing it quite freely. Although they were caught in the act, they could have denied seeing anything at all, which they didn't. There wasn't any shame in that.

The shame was in the fact that he had hidden that fact from everyone, and that it had sparked in him an interest in her that went beyond the casual informality of his members.

It made it hard for him to look at her without feeling like he was revealing his thoughts through his expression. Which was why he avoided making unnecessary eye contact. It made it hard for him to think of her as just their host. He had become hyper aware of her, even thinking of her when she wasn't around. He wondered if she were in her living room just below where he was standing, or whether she was further along in her bedroom, changing.

He stopped, his arms halfway through the sleeves of the hoodie he was about to pull on. The image of her slowly, enticingly bending backwards until he saw the top of her chest and the swell of her breasts under that bulky sweatshirt she was wearing, just as she released her head and allowed it to fall back completely, came into his head in a rush. When she had finally let her head fall back, he had glanced down and locked eyes for an instant with her. In almost the same instant he had stepped back into the shadows, his heart in his throat.

He felt sure she would not have seen his face.

He would hate to find out she knew all along it was him.

He hated being found out. He hated the idea of being caught spying on a girl like a naughty schoolboy peeping in the girls changing room. By the girl herself!

He did not want to admit that he had been enthralled, captivated by her grace, her beauty. Her sensuality.

Not to her, and not to his friends.

Hiding that fact from everyone seemed to make it all worse, and this was what he realised made him behave differently towards her, and consequently, made her a little uncomfortable around him.

Whenever he felt like he could begin to relax, something would happen to put him on edge again.

When she had almost fallen to the ground after falling off her bike, and he had been powerless to help her from his position. All he could do was stop the bike, and watch helplessly as Hongbin did the saving.

When he had realised slowly, over the coffee that she had made so expertly for them, that she felt deeply for that man Panos, who had been there for her through hard times, and that he himself would not have the chance to prove himself in the same way to her for lack of opportunity. All he could do was sit in moody silence, unable to make that leap past the weight of his own disappointment, to lighten up the atmosphere and have her feel at ease.

He slipped the hoody on and bent to lace up his sneakers. He tied them like he was punishing them.

Why all this angst? He asked himself.

It was as if he was punishing himself by wanting something he couldn't have, and actually, didn't know he wanted until he found out he couldn't have it. If someone had asked him two days ago if he wanted it, he would have said no.

Want what? He thought. He shook his head.

He would have said all that mattered to him was work, and the prospect of a good restful break, and the possibility of creating more music. Not girls, not love, and certainly not this strumming tension in his gut.

He thought he ought to have more self-control than that. Perhaps it was just the guilt. Maybe if I come clean, all this unpleasantness will be lifted, he thought.

Yes. He would tell her. Or, maybe he would tell Hongbin first. No, Hongbin was interested in her.

Ken. No, Ken would tell her in an instant, thinking it wasn't a big deal.

N. Yes. He should speak to N.

Leo ruffled his hair in frustration. Maybe he should just shut up and bear it.

He grabbed his jacket and called out to Hongbin that he would meet him downstairs, and ran down the stairs at a jog, feeling like a good round of basketball and sweating would help him get this strange feeling out of his system.