Winter Hearts

Le(t it g)o

When he left the penthouse, he wasn't thinking. He felt like a worn out, wounded animal letting instinct lead him home.

As he walked down the stairs to Siana's apartment, he thought of N's reaction to his apology.

He had felt, morosely, responsible for curtailing the others' freedom on their holiday, and just overcome by the generosity he felt had come from the company. There had been no judgment on his behaviour either officially, or from Kkomae, and the relief he had been expecting to feel from facing the ire of the company, had oddly not manifested.

He had only felt worse.

Much as he had dreaded facing the possible mauling from management, he realised that he had dreaded seeing disappointment from the members even more. Having them welcome him home had been bracing and encouraging. Then listening to Kkomae reel out their plan of action had made the reality sink in.

It was as if they had come all the way here to Greece just to follow yet another schedule. More events, more official meetings, more pictures and smiles and performances.

He couldn't bear to look at anyone, even if to gauge their reactions. They were still going to Athens, but partying or feeling fully relaxed or unmonitored would be out of the question. The guilt was too much. So, when N had yelled at him, he felt as if at last, someone was going to make him pay for the trouble he had caused them - or at least, the freedom he had curtailed.

But instead, he had discovered something else.

No one wanted to punish him. No one thought he had done wrong, and no one disliked the so-called punishment they were being given - in fact, they were glad they had a way they could help him. He had discovered that they were willing to do it, they wanted to do it, and that they believed he deserved their desire to support him.

And N had said that him apologising was like throwing their support back in their face.

It was at that moment when it hit home. Wanting to face the consequences, insisting on his responsibility, doing the right thing - these were not always necessarily the right things to do, when it meant pushing others away.

He suddenly saw why N was so exasperated at that moment, and how he had continually frustrated N's personal gestures of support in the past.

"You're not a rock that we carry around with us and complain is too heavy. We would have dropped you long ago if that was the case. Can't you just receive, and say thank you? What's so fucking hard about that?!"

N had stormed off, and it was then that he had looked up to see the expression on the boys' faces.

That disappointment he had been dreading to see? He saw it now.

He saw how they didn't try to hide it from him. He saw how they wished he hadn't pushed back.

Hongbin had been stony-faced. Ken, concerned by N leaving, had given Leo a look of hurt shock. It wasn't often they witnessed this kind of a falling out between N and himself. Hyuk had gone after N, and he could hear him urging N to turn back. He could hear the frustration in N's voice, and how he simply wanted to be alone.

It was Ravi who had looked at him with the most understanding.

"You can't do this alone, Hyung. Why do you think work is a burden to us? Our lives are about work. Does that make our life a punishment? You are not the only one responsible here. We all saw what was happening, despite your pitiful attempts to keep it all to yourself."

Leo bowed his head. Oh.

"Any one of us could have stopped you. We all know what's the worst that could happen. It is a shame that it is. But it's you and Siana. Our Taekwoon..." Ravi gulped.