Memoirs of a Broke B*tch

I'm Skressed.

9/18/16

Welp, first of all, I'm in school for Elementary Education, right, but I still have yet to declare my major and I'm (technically) a second- semester sophomore (a few credits from being a junior), but it's my third year here. I still have yet to even apply to the program. I'm getting hella anxious because I ain't even take the PRAXIS. I would have been okay if it was free to take. It ain't. I'm broke, so.... looks like I'm gon need to look into another major. Maybe I'll find a related major or something. I'm not exactly sure because I wanna graduate on time, but it's not a race to graduate first. BUT I WANNA GRADUATE ON TIME, DOE.

I've found that the whole reason I can be by myself ALL the time is because I'm always distracted by something. Or someone. Mostly, it's someTHING. I'm hella imaginative, which has been a coping mechanism for not really having FRIENDS. Again, I'm cordial with people, but that only means I give them a wave or a smile on a hallway. In class, I'm usually quiet the WHOLE time. I don't be saying shit, I just look at everyone else. It's partly because of a language barrier, but I'm just quiet in (public) nature. My teachers are usually put off by how quiet I am, and they swear I'm just some shy kid who isn't sure of herself and can't seem to fit in.

But I'm actually a nutcase with this overactive mind who writes and basically lives in her own head. All of my friends that know me (from meeting me in person) know that it takes a while for me to really let loose. You can only hide your weirdness for so long lmao. My internet friends usually get the crazy, "fun" side of me right away, because I'm usually somewhere that not too many people go to, to actually be myself. I will do and say what the hell I want to say on the internet, lol. Why can't I be this way ALL the time?!  

Anyway doe, I think the main reason for it is, what had set me apart in uniqueness before, is now the norm here. Again, I go to a deaf university so everyone knows what a hearing aid is and shit. Before, people would ALWAYS ask, "hey, what is that on your head" and we would go from there. Friendships were usually (not always) initiated by other people coming up to me. Now, I get to a school where it doesn't happen that way, and now I don't know how to act lmao. I need to work on that: being more approachable/being social. I've been being a little more proactive in that part of my life, but JUST a little :):):) progress on fleek!

The more I've come to realize me distracting myself with other stuff is actually a coping mechanism, the more I want to fix it. I gotta face it; bitch, a friend or two wouldn't exactly.... hurt. 

Actually, I realized this when I REALLY started to be over Jade. I didn't consciously know it, but I no longer had a distraction to get me through the day (class really, cuz TV/internet has my back at night). So, it's only fitting that a few days later, I found a new one. Oh my God. I have issues, lol. I'm like a ho, but with no sexual activity. I'm a distraction ho, a thought ho. A thoughtful ho.