Memoirs of a Broke B*tch

Just the Tiniest Bit Shook

I don't know why but it's so hard for me to remember that I'm in graduate school lmfao. I've been in school so long, it all feels the same to me. The only difference between then and now is my classification, the cost of education, and my sanity. Y'all know that each semester I spent at my undergrad institution made me hate life a little more lmfao. Like, no exaggeration, those were easily the worst years of my life, but I made do. Like, I was the only one that helped myself through that. Honestly, girl, once upon a time I just thought "oh, no, I think this is just gonna be how I feel about my existence for the rest of it, so I'd better find a way to deal". No, it turns out the environment had a lot to do with it. I was a loner and didn't have much contact with anybody outside of going to class. The whole thing with that is I hated going to class lmao. And then the longer I kept going, the more I had crying fits. That was not the case at all when I was finally enrolled at a different institution. Since grad school, even though I did feel a bit of stress, I never felt TOO overwhelmed. I think I made the right choice in going somewhere else.

Anyway, so I forgot how loans worked and stuff because last school year, I only attended the spring session. This year I applied for loans and I was like "oh, damn" 'cause not everything is covered. You don't get the same help you do in undergrad, so that's trash. But I've already looked into some alternatives so I'm not super duper worried about it. Hopefully I can come back with good news, soon. Also, note how often I say 'lmfao' or 'lmao'. I don't know if it's a nervous tic or what. But, back to the topic at hand. 

I came to write about how I'll be actually living on campus this year, even though all my classes will be online. I'm a lil shook. I'll be taking all the precautions, but I'm hearing that people can get the rona, even while they do all that. The number one reason I'm moving back is because I want to live by myself. Being home subjects me to a lot of things I don't want to be subjected to, such as visitors, and being part of travel plans. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with these people but they insist now is a good time to be traveling. When we went a state over, I was like cool. I wasn't too pressed on that. Some of the family took a plane trip somewhere. It'll be two weeks in a few days and nobody is showing any symptoms of anything. I had zero plans of going but  I was shook that they'd bring something back with 'em that wasn't welcome. Great. 

What killed me was they brought somebody back with them. He's great (preteens are a total mess these days, btw) and all that but I didn't understand the point in having him stay with us during a pandemic. Like, girl, where are you gonna take him? Thus far, they have been leaving the house regularly and I'm completely over it. This is why I'm not all that pressed to be living in a dorm, because I figure the odds of da rona being tracked in the building are about the same as living in the house with my refuses-to-sit-her-ass-down-somewhere aunt and my goes-to-work-outside-the-crib cousin. It'll be just me in my own shit. Hopefully the rona can't travel under my door or something. Anyway, now the family is planning another trip, to Niagara Falls. I think it is a horrible idea. Nigga, that is the extensive travel that needs to not happen. There is zero point in doing all that right now because we have all been there. The only exclusion might be my cousin who might not go (and doesn't give a FUCK) and my preteen second cousin. Everybody else has been. I think that is a place where everybody has been and will be, because everyone insists being outside in nature is the way to go, these days. I tell you what, I'm not getting in no damn water. That's on me, baby. 

I don't talk to Miss Girl anymore and I've decided to not even pick back up on that. I was talking to her, and then I was like.... i don't even feel like doing all that and so I just didn't. I was considering giving her my number to hit me for whatever when I delete my FB, but nah. i figured we don't even talk consistently enough for all that so that's over. idk i think there's a lack of initiative on her part so i gave up on that lmao. like no... i'm not gonna be the one doing all the heavy lifting lmao. so that's done. i told her i wrote, too lmao. i'm glad i never hit her with the link cuz this would be awkwarrrrd lmao. 

you know what, though? i've been thinking of how awesome it'd be to have a girl junior. like if i had a kid, i would want a daughter. i think i ranted about how it sucks to know that most people that want kids, prefer sons instead of daughters. this is what i'm seeing, but it's so depressing to me that some of these same people are becoming pregnant and being disappointed in the fact that they have daughters. it's sooo sad to see. of course the mf that doesn't want kids, is the one who sees the value in having a girl child *eye roll*. my sister be on that same dumb shit. i just think people who think like that will make sure to let their daughters know that they're not what they wanted and it disgusts me. but anyway, i love the whole idea of a father naming their daughter after them, or a mom naming their daughter after them. nigga, i'd call my baby Alb Jr. so quick. I think I'd tweak the middle name's spelling, 'cause it's a name that is spelled multiple ways, but boom. 

oh, I got another gripe about the whole daughter thing. as soon as mr. kobe passed on, i saw an influx of fake ass appreciation of "parents" who had daughters, walking 'round here calling themselves 'girl dads'. get the fuck out of my fucking face with that bullshit. i saw right through it. you see them niggas are not on that kind of time anymore, cuz it was all BS from the start. i hate shit like that. you niggas are not like kobe, okay? lmfao. 

excuse me i had to rant about that real quick. umm... what else? ooh, i have a hack for y'all. if you wanna know for sure who is in your class, just in case you wanna avoid somebody you have problems with.... check Blackboard. Click what class you're trying to look into, and then go under email. There is a roster section, but it's not always updated. But, if you go to the email section, hit 'choose users to email' or something along that accord. i always click that one so i know for sure an email doesn't get sent lol. anyway, there should be a list of people, including the instructor. there you can see who is in your specific class. boom. i found out to do that in undergrad when i was anxious about who i would see in each class. i used to have to prepare myself to see some faces that i didn't really wanna see (as well as faces i DID wanna see, ya hearrrrd?). So even now, I know that I already know of at least three people i've had classes with in the past. unfortunately, none of them were Marcy. we probably would have made good friends. maybe i'll see her on campus, anyway. whatever.

that brings me to back to what happened in undergrad. so i was friendly with this one white girl and every time we met up it was nothing but jokes. she probably was the only person i could say i probably was forreal forreal cool with throughout my whole time in undergrad (and she was only there for a single semester). there were a few more people i was friendly with but she edged them out. she transferred, though. it was trash but i totally understood. she felt the same way i did, i just stayed behind lmao. i hope she's good. just in case she finds this: hey, melissa, girl. 

i'm so curious to see how different campus will look. supposedly almost nobody is coming back, but i already know they have had to let more people than they thought back, through pushback. so thus far, most freshman are sliding, as well as the seniors. there probably will not be too many sophomores or juniors. as far as grad students, there are not even 500 of us. there's probably like 15 that lived on campus in the first place lmao and i can't imagine all 15 of us are coming back. i've been catching all the virtual town hall meetings cuz it feels like i'm closer to the school lmao. i watched the alumni version, the student version, and next week is the parent version. guess who will be watching? me, if i can help it. 

oh, another reason i'm going on campus is because being home will probably drive me crazy. i need to be able to leave whenever i want to lmao. here, i don't go anywhere cuz like I said, I don't know this area. Even when school was out, I would be gone for the summers so there was never really any opportunity for me to explore the area. Now, though, I'm kind of like fuck it lmao, there's nothing around here anyways. so, being on campus i can do whatever, wherever, wheneverrrrr. sike, that's a lie cuz all the hours gon be limited. but still, i have freedom to do whatever on my own volition, damn near. it's great. AND they don't ask questions?! it's perfect. so i can get out and walk whatever horrible food I eat off, instead of being in my room freezing and not having anywhere to go lol. the only con i can think of right now is that it's expensive and i would have to put actual clothes on.  having to wear real clothes is so ghetto. it's really trash. i think that is what i will miss about being home. being in my pajamas all day everyday. i have so many nightclothes it's ridiculous lmao.

alright, bye. i'm working on chapters of some of my stories so yeah....

bye.