Memoirs of a Broke B*tch

IOENO

hey, girl. what's tea? lmfao okay now that we've gotten that out the way, I gotta address my frustration with my sleep pattern. A nigga ain't been able to fall asleep at an appropriate time since we done called ourselves staying in the damn house. I'll be just getting to sleep at 5 and 6 in the morning lmao. The latest I've gone to sleep is like 10AM. I did something like that during the last semester during finals week, though. 
-lmao got distracted by Twitter for a lil bit-

Anyway, I wanted to be a lil bit of a hater. Just a lil bit. So yeah, there's been a trend of bae reveals on my timeline and although I am literally so happy for them, immediately I go to worrying about myself lmfao. Isn't that so selfish? I be looking at their pictures, and I be like "so......when do I get to have that?" lmfao. So then I kind of get into a funk, because it's like... I'd be a great girlfriend ( LMFAOOOOOO probably not and I'll explain why later). But yeah I be like "I want to build a strong friendship that will turn into an eventual  relationship and it'll be great because blah blah blah" and be sad and shit. I don't know if I told y'all but I be panicking. I don't have panic attacks and I've never been diagnosed with anxiety, but I think if I went to the doctor, I would be lmfao. But either way, I have these little internal freak outs and I feel like they would either stop or be less intense if I could just like, squeeze onto somebody else with all my damn might. I don't know if that would be of any help, but not having anybody to test that theory on, doesn't do me any good.

I guess this is just gonna be the year of indecisiveness. I done told myself over and over again, the apps are just not for meeee. And then I keep downloading them. I've probably had like 8 or 9 profiles on somebody's dating site lmao. I never get matched with anybody I wanna match with. It's so ass, but I'm not too mad at it. I just don't think I'm somebody who could even make an app situation work. I probably just gotta meet my bitch in person or something. Like I truly feel like it's gonna be a friends then lovers situation. First of all, it's the only way anybody can get to know me lmao. I'll talk to a stranger and all that, but typically it's nothing more than a quick joke and maybe chatter about class but that's about it. As I said in other entries, I tend not to be the one to like, declare friendships, I wait on the other person for all that lmao.

Anyway, yeah, I'm back on the cancelling apps situation. Ima still check to see who matching with me, though.

What really be getting me is the fact that everybody is so fucking scared to message you. Nigga, you matched with me. There's no way you're waiting on me to initiate anything. SN: I don't be messaging first either lmao.

I don't know why I can't make my mind up on these apps, though. Well, no actually I can. After meeting the one girl on an app and having what I would consider a 'good' experience, I figured I could have another one. And maybe I could have, but I wasn't quite "over" the prior situation. Like when I came on here talking about how upset I was over the whole thing, bitch I really was like, pissed lmfao. Maybe we can go as far as to say "hurt". But I think my short patience was even shorter with those apps lol. That was one of the couple reasons I decided to actually let one of my social media profiles go. The other reason was cuz I was tired of censoring myself lmao. I'm cool about that whole thing now and have been for a while but the apps are still ass.

But then, I was thinking maybe I should be thankful that I'm not in a bad situation. And I am. Truly, I would rather be by myself than in some bullshit with somebody and staying cuz I love them or whatever. Also I question if I'm ready or not for something like this. Now, I know with 100 percent certainty that I am not where I want to be in life, at all. I'm getting there, but I'm still a ways away. I always kind of tell myself that maybe it's a good thing that I'm not involved in anything because I should be focused on myself and getting to where I wanna be. But, I can't help but wish I could have someone other than like, family cheering a nigga on. Like that's great but at the end of the day, I don't really want to be by myself. Now, I'm cool for the most part. But if I did have a choice in if I had a partner or not, I would so go for it. Who is to say that said partner can't motivate me to get to where I gotta go, or even literally step in and help me out with that? You know? I feel like a nigga getting old (which, lmao, I need to sit my ass down. I'm not even fucking 30.) and time is running out. I would hate to really go out this bitch without having a legit relationship. That teenybopper bullshit doesn't count. I want a real connection with somebody that hopefully stays a good minute, if not forever....

....but then it brings me to where my mind was, before I decided I needed to come write about it. What if I finally get my ....prayers(?) answered and I finally get into something and like fall in lurrrrve or something, and it ends? Bitch, I don't think I could take it. I'm being dead ass serious. I don't think I can deal with that. That is also a reason I'm like "okay, you need to not even think about getting into anything". I don't think I would go off the deep end and like, demand they stay with me or threaten to kill them or myself. Idk, I might thr... well, I wouldn't actually do no crazy shit to them behind a breakup, though. Like, this would be the real deal and you mean to tell me it's done? I would feel fucking horrible. The whole thing with miss girl wasn't even really much of anything and I was in a whole funk behind that. Imagine a real situation!!! Bitch, I think I would fight. And for me, it wouldn't be much of a "you hurt me" thing (and this is assuming they'd break up with me *rolls eyes and flips hair.*), but it'd be a "you made me feel feelings for you when I was adamant on not feeling feelings" thing. I feel like there's a difference there *insert Fry from Futurama squinting meme*.

Uhhh what else? Oh, school's fine. I'm handling better than I expected. Not sad about the campus situation anymore. They say they plan to have our black asses back this Spring, and I sure hope so. Oh, I just remembered how I thought maybe this semester I would be able to find somebody to hang around. I didn't get that at all in undergrad lol. I was cool with pretty much all my roommates, but outside of them I only had the associates in class that I spoke to outside of class. It kinda sucks that the rona came through when it did because I think I would have probably made good friends with some of the folks in the classrooms. I will say it saved me from having to participate in a debate so that was cool lmao. I'm actually really crying at how much of a turnaround my school did.

When the corona was first scaring everybody in the States (cuz we swore it was in just China and gave NO fucks lmao), I guess schools were preparing to send their students home at least for the time being and gave everybody the following week off (I guess before letting everybody know they were going home), we got the following day off lmfaoooooooooooooooo. I think they announced it on a Thursday, so we had Friday off and had to be back in class on Monday lmfao. The student body lit them the fuck UP 😂😂😂😂😂. Anyway, then they were finally like "y'all niggas gotta go" and we've been back home since. I KNOW some of them SAME niggas that was hollering about wanting to go home during the last semester were lighting the schools president up again when he said "nah stay at home" lmfaoooo. He was like "keep that same energy" lmfao. But I do hope to be back by Spring. Dawg, I think the worst part about this whole situation is it happened right when I had finally gotten away from my family lmfaoooo. I'd graduated last May, and stayed with everybody else until December, when I came back home, to get dropped off at school in January. At least I got to spend my birthday in peace. It was by myself and thankfully I didn't mind it. I think that's another reason I've been so interested in partnership lately— the world is all fucked up right now and a nigga could use a fucking distraction. Anyway, back to the school situation. I think I might have fared a little better if I had gone in the Fall instead of the Soring, because I would have had a chance to experience a whole semester on campus and find friends or something. I don't want this experience to be anything like undergrad. Undergrad was not a good time for me, and a nigga is in desperate need of a good time. Bitch that's why I said fake sneaking into the school classroom to watch a movie was fun— that alone should've let you know I wasn't doing SHIT lmaoooooooo. Nigga got a rush 😂😂😂😂😂. Okay, I'm going to sleep. It's like 6AM the alarm is gonna scream at me in a couple hours.

Also, I dyed my hair red so now me and my avi are twins lol.

Catch y'all in my business next time. ☺️