To the Moon and Back (MJ fanfic)

A Night Out

"Can you even hear yourself think?" I yelled over the music.

"No!" Kate grinned. "Isn't it wonderful?"

We sat in a crowded club in the middle of the city as men and women walked all around our table. I took a swig of my fruity drink and watched as they clawed at each other. All in a frenzy over new love, old love, and trying to find any love they could get for the night.

"Oh! What about that one?" Kate wiped some beer from her lips, quickly pointing at a man with very tight jeans.

"He looks like a player." I made a face, watching him flirt with every female in a five foot radius.

"Okay, how about him?" She nodded towards another man who stood closer.

I shook my head, earning a disbelieving glare from my sister.

I rolled my eyes, lifting my left hand and pointing at my ring finger. "Tan line from his wedding band." I explained.

"What a creep." She said in disgust, glaring at him before hunting down someone new. "Um... Oh! He looks nice." She smiled.

I followed to her stare that landed on a man standing next to a table close to ours. He looked normal enough, and not half bad to be honest... Until he made a bouquet of fake pink and green flowers appear out of no where.

"Oh, God." Kate bit her bottom lip, "Then again maybe not."

I giggled, "Yeah, maybe not."

"Okay, I admit, the pickings are pretty slim tonight, but you're really picky with the guys you've been with since having Liam. You have to admit, Emily."

"I do admit that." I confessed, not the least bit embarrassed. "I want someone that will be good enough for Liam."

"...And you." She added. "I mean you'd have to be with the guy too, Em. And not every guy is an instant Dad."

"I know. I know... But it's not just about what I want anymore. I have a kid. A five year old little boy, and if that means I have to sacrifice things then so be it."

"Yeah, some things. Not all things, Emily. You need to learn to be a little selfish, baby girl. And I'm sure that if you love someone, Liam will too."

"I guess I haven't found him yet..." I murmured, looking down at my knotted fingers. An odd feeling forming in the pit of my stomach.

"You could date another gay guy." Kate said in mock seriousness, as if I were a child. Tucking a stray lock of hair behind my ear. "That was fun."

I laughed, pushing her shoulder. "Scott wasn't gay! He was just --!"

"Better dressed than you, had a sense of color coordination, liked hanging out with alot of guys, wore his jeans super tight..." She murmured into her bottle.

I had dated Scott for a few short weeks when Liam was about one. I didn't see much harm in it because he was nice, and cute, and seemed like the comfortable choice when it came to picking someone to raise a child with. But that's exactly what the relationship was - comfortable. He was safe and I knew I was picking him out of accessibility more than anything. But when it boiled down to it I didn't feel anything when I was with him, and that wasn't fair for either of us. I realized that early on in the relationship and we separated.

Since then I had dated on and off - some of them known to Kate while others were not. But none of them lasted long and they were hardly passionate. And often even I didn't know what I was looking for, or if I would ever find it. There were times when I felt in love, but there was always something pulling me back. A feeling in the pit of my stomach that screamed 'This is wrong! Abort mission' when everything felt like it was going perfectly right, and shortly after I'd start pulling away and end the relationship. Soon I had given up on finding it at all, because maybe what I was looking for wasn't out there.