To the Moon and Back (MJ fanfic)

Embers to Ashes

I sat at the table next to the window and nervously tapped my fingers against my cold cup. It had been much hotter when I arrived here at 10:16.

I hadn't slept the night before, mostly because of all the scenarios of today that went dancing through my head every time I closed my eyes. Truth be told I was anxious and regretting this entire thing.

I had gotten into The Hideout way earlier than I really should have, and sat down at my usual spot. I couldn't believe I was really going to do it. I was going to put an end to the things that had been going on between me and Michael. It was the only way I could think of to stop him and everyone else from finding out. And while, in theory, it was the best solution... it didn't stop me from feeling sick to my stomach every time I thought about leaving him. For good this time. I didn't want that. It was the last thing I wanted, and I had just gotten him back. But alas our two worlds were galaxies away from each other, and I had a feeling if they ever fully met there'd be a cosmic explosion - which wouldn't be good for anyone. I was protecting us and Liam. But why did the right thing feel so wrong?

Still I hated I thought of pouring cold water on us, when I felt like he was the one person I was supposed to be with. No to mention the Father of my child, but regardless of Liam, I had felt a strong connection to Michael that first night in Vegas, something that I still couldn't explain. I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame, and I wanted it to be like that forever... which it still was, but somehow I had to end it today as if it were nothing of the consequence, which would be next to impossible considering it was everything. I don't know I'd survive the rest of my life after having the best and leaving him once again. I was an idiot. One thing was for sure though, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror for a long time - it'd be too miserable to see the woman who screwed everything up.

I looked up at the clock; 10:28.

I was sure that after this experience I would be ruined for anyone else. He was it. I knew it in my heart and in every breath I used to say his name that I wouldn't find anyone who even remotely matched up. Perhaps that was my problem in the past too, but I was too blind to see it. I had the best - the color that lit up the sunset - and now I was going back to black and white. It wasn't fair, but very early on in life I realized alot of things weren't, especially when I was involved. Maybe this was my punishment for some unnamed thing I had done in another life.

I had already made a deal with myself that I wouldn't cry, I would try to be strong and make it easier on everyone, and if all worked out - and I left with some dignity - I could go home and have a melt down in the privacy of my own bedroom, as Michael went off to find someone who could fit his life much better than me, but even the thought of it felt like acid in the brain. I didn't want that - I wanted him - but I could see no possible way for any of this to work out.

10:39

Maybe he'd yell and shout and say how I killed us before we even had a chance to breath - and I wouldn't blame him, but I was sure that once he got over the initial reaction he'd go back out into the world leaving me as a memory of the girl that he knew for a short amount of time. It broke my heart thinking about it, but I would try not to show it. Maybe if I did this void of any emotion it's be easier for me to let me go - but I knew I couldn't do that. Michael brought the life out in me, and there was no way I could stop the feelings that surfaced when he was around. It'd be like asking the earth to stop lighting up every time it faced the sun. But whatever the cause of today was, I hoped deep down he knew it was hurting me as much as it would hurt him. I loved him, and I wouldn't deny that if he asked. I couldn't deny that. And even with all the crap that I put us through, I would always love him. As if there was a way to stop. The only question was, would he still feel the same about me?