Again (H.S)

peu profond

Clarissa P.O.V

23 years ago

Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky. I've made many mistakes in my life. Mistakes that were damaging to other people. I never forget that but I stopped wallowing. Alot of things could have been and they would of maybe in a different life.

This is the life I got though. I allowed myself finally to start living it without feeling guilty. I hope wherever Desmond is that he's okay. That he has a roof over his head and food to eat. I wish many more things but I keep it at that. I hope he is alive and functional. I hope life takes him far away from me. Where he'll never see Eliza and I have to explain what I did.

I'm aware that I'm not being fair. To both Eliza and Desmond by denying them each other. I thought being a mom was easy but it's not. You have to make very hard decisions because you feel it's best. One day Eliza will be my age and maybe feel differently about the choices I made over her life. If she ever finds out that Don isn't her father. She'll feel so betrayed and that I've lied her whole life. Which won't be wrong.

I wonder how I'm gonna get it right with this one. My hands instinctively reach down to my belly and she kicks.

Eleanor. Greek for "bright, shining one." Eleanor is an English version of the Provençal name Alienor. Very old French, something maybe Don's great great great grandparents speak.

After Eliza I didn't think I would want another child. Just like I didn't think I could love Don the way I do. I would have had a child if Don wanted one regardless. I've known since we met that he would love me. I never imagined how much his love could withstand.

As children he followed me around and did as I said. We played with dolls because I liked dolls. It wasn't until my mother suggested asking Don what he wanted play that I asked. He was always happy to be doing whatever made me happy. I think from there I knew he would always mean something to me.

Then as preteens we awkwardly navigated it together. He walked to the nurse in the middle of class to ask for a pad. The very first time I started my period. Not even my poor excuse of a female best friend I supposedly had at the time. He did it and then sat down outside the door until I was done.

I could name so many moments that Don has been there for me. So many moments to prove that he has always put me first no matter what. Of course we had the awkward phase were he dated other girls and I other guys. Now I understand that I too did love him back even in those days. For teenage me it took Don finally dating someone and putting them first. I selfishly wanted Don, to only love me but if I didn't feel the same, then he had to be okay with it. I never claimed to be the best person and I knew it was wrong. So I really let him go because I knew it was cruel.