Again (H.S)

The End/Part One: Bulgaria

Harry P.O.V

Life without Eleanor isn't worth living and I hate to admit not even Freya can pull me out of this. I love my daughter..children, who even knows at this point. But I am not whole without her, I simply am not.

Seems like there's a list of things I'm not able to do without Eleanor. I never really realize how much light she brings into my life. Actually no that's wrong, she is the light. The only light I've ever had in this dark life of mine and now she's gone. I'm back to being in the dark.

I'm supposed to be doing more right now. I know that much but don't know what I really should be doing in this exact moment. My mind cannot focus on one simple thing beyond doing things in the moment.

The last time I got to see and be close to Eleanor was 37 days ago.

Desmond has bested me this time with having her this long. There's something that's kept me going this long. Eleanor is tough. I know she will survive one way or another. I hope she doesn't hate me for not working fast enough. For not being who she needs right now. I have failed her so much that sometimes I think the best thing would be if I simply didn't exist anymore. Never had I been this incompetent in my life. What purpose did I serve now if I'm allowed all of this to happen?

I hear the door open to my bedroom but don't need to look. Only one person would dare to walk in unannounced like that. I plaster something I hope resembles a smile onto my face. Just because I'm barely holding it together doesn't mean I can't at least do this for her.

"My love." I greet Freya who buries herself in my chest. I'm taken aback when she doesn't reply with something right away.

"What's wrong?" I question as I sense her uneasiness. This feels like a comfort seeking hug and I wanted to know why. Who would dare upset Freya now when she was already going through so much?

"Eliza says mom might not be coming home ever and I know she's wrong! But she says I don't understand and I am very tired of being told that! How can I understand anything when I am told nothing Daddy? I'm not happy Dad, Eliza made me very unhappy." Freya rants and my heart breaks in a new way at this moment.

Freya sounds so much like her mother. If only she knew how much she shares that same feeling with Eleanor. The story of their life.

'It doesn't have to be Freya's..' A voice inside says.

I cock my head to the side to truly look at my daughter. In a few more months she will be 6 years old. Just yesterday we were celebrating her fifth birthday but time waits for no one truly. I get what that means now because time has been flying by too fast. I feel guilty that Freya will look back at these years and forever be confused. How do I explain this period of her life to her later on?

Maybe I wouldn't need to if I just talked to her now? Why lie and have her hate me when I can just be honest? As honest as her little brain can handle right now. I look around as if to ask for help but I realize that it's up to me. Freya is my daughter and it's up to me at the moment. I can admit that I'm terrified that I will do this all wrong and hurt my daughter even more. Part of me is screaming to not to go with it but I don't see why not? Life is already hard enough to make sense of.

"When we say that Freya, we mean that you're too young still. You still have so much of the world to see. Still have people to meet and experiences to have to understand what life is now. Want to know a secret though?" I say and Freya perks up.