Again (H.S)

la chaine

Desmond P.O.V

18 years ago

When you've spent so much time wanting something how can you not know how to act once it's finally there? Why do the words you've been holding on the tip of your tongue just suddenly disappear?

Maybe I'm just frustrated that even after all these years. I am just as hopelessly and stupidly in love with her. Everything that I've done attempting to forget her was useless just as I thought it'd be. I don't know why I tried and got us here. Anne and I. Why didn't I leave things be.

"How have you been?" She asks taking a sip from her drink looking down at the table.

"I've done pretty well for myself you can say. How are you?" I return the question, wondering what she'll say without the audience around.

"Happy. I have a family and a husband to look after. My life is comfortable so there's no room for me asking in more." Clarissa murmurs looking deep in thought.

"You hate it." I state and she cocks her head.

"No I don't." Her eyes flash.

My lips curl at the corners because I know I'm right now.

"Why shouldn't you be asking for more? You can never get enough out of life. You said that, so what changed?" I push.

"You grow up Desmond. Your life belongs to you again when they are out of the house." Clarissa answers simply crossing her arms and I know she means the kids.

"I didn't think you'd have kids so soon." I comment honestly using that opening.

"Me either. Alot of my life didn't really go exactly as I planned." Clarissa ruefully nods.

"You're telling me. I still don't have a hard time understanding. . .it." I throw out to see if she catches it.

Which she does. Clarissa's head snaps up quickly and sits up straighter.

"Everything should be self explanatory Desmond." She hiccups reminding us that we've been drinking.

The alcohol affect rushed back in as if it never left. I hate those rare moments of clarity but what can you do. I process her words carefully already enraging on the inside.

"If that was the case I wouldn't have come here. I would have moved on a long time ago." I say.

"You have a family and wife Desmond. What are you talking about?" Clarissa looks taken aback and I don't blame her. I show up with a wife and kids today but now I have this to say.

"That doesn't mean anything. They don't mean anything." I emphasis and her eyes widen instead. I know that look on her face.

"Stop talking Desmond. Nothing you say will change anything, this is my life now." Clarissa shakes her head.

I want to keep pushing the topic but I know I'll only anger her. I just need one moment to prove I'm right. One moment for her to let me take off the blindfold she's put on.

She's lying and she doesn't even know it. Nothing has really changed. We haven't changed I've seen. I'm still the same man that walked away that day. I left a piece of myself here with Clarissa that I've never been able to get back. Seems like I could have left with a piece of me here with her. Feels like there's oceans between us at the moment.