impossible | barry allen

89

My focus was set on the journal that sat in my lap, as I jotted down different things I knew or even understood about everything Savitar had said to me about my soon to be death. I was tired of being kidnapped, I was tired of almost dying. The fear was getting to me.

Loud music blasted through the headphones that I had on, my legs crossed on the bed. I didn't realize that Barry had walked right in and was talking to me until he pulled the headphones off my head, the music I was once listening to now sounding through the headphones, Barry holding them.

"Why are you still writing about Savitar?" Barry asked me, staring at the journal that sat in my lap, clearly getting upset already.

"Barry-" I sigh, shaking my head, not in the mood to start another argument between the two of us that wouldn't be resolved.

"You do realize I'm not going to let you die, right? I'm not going to lose you." Barry made it crystal clear, setting my headphones down somewhere, grabbing my journal.

"Barry-" I stood up, feeling anger spark up inside of me, "I didn't sign up for any of this."

"What do you mean by that?" He looks up at me, a mixture of anger and bewilderment flashing in his eyes.

I snatch the journal, shoving it in the nightstand, turning and looking at him, "I didn't sign up for any of this when I became a meta. None of whatever goes on makes sense to me anymore. You trying to change Iris' future- I don't understand how it's changing mine. I don't understand my powers- I don't understand why Reign is still after me- or how any of this works in general. I'm tired of getting kidnapped. I'm tired of almost dying. It's either I die, or I don't. You're in a position where if you change Iris' future, you screw up mine, and if you don't do anything, you screw up hers."

"I'm not going to lose either of you." Barry told me, "I will find a way to save both of you. Okay? I mean, once we get Wally out of the Speed Force, he's already fast enough to save Iris from Savitar. I have time to put my focus on your future as well. You need to trust me on this."

"But- I don't." I let out a small shout, "I know I'm being difficult about this- I know you're sick of trying to convince me and the arguments we're having but- Barry. I know how much time I have left. It's almost as if I have come to grips with me dying sooner than I had anticipated. But, I'm also stressing out about how I am going to die."

"I'm not letting you die!" Barry shouts at me, small tears visible in his eyes, flashes of hurt and concern in his eyes, before lowering his tone, looking down, repeating, "I'm not letting you die."

I run a hand through my hair, "I have honestly turned into you. I'm so consumed by the future that I'm not even paying attention to what I have anymore."

Barry stays silent, looking down.

I was sick of these arguments. But they kept happening, and I knew with everything on my mind, I was probably initiating it all. I had so much on my plate that it had placed so much pressure on me, to the point where I was lashing out on Barry.

I wish he hadn't had thrown out the Modafinil. Although, I knew I was overusing it, it was my only loop hole to make more time to piece everything together. Everything about Reign, my powers, and the future was driving me insane.

I knew I was pushing it by saying that I didn't sign up for any of this. But then again, I knew I wouldn't have it any other way. Without being a part of Team Flash, I don't know what I'd be doing with my life. Team Flash gives me a reason to keep going. It gives me the feeling of life, it keeps me alive.

The mixed feeling of fear and excitement always got the best of me whenever we were trying to defeat a new meta or villain, and saying that I never signed up for any of this because I was fearing my own death was crossing a line. I regretted every word that came out of my mouth with every argument we had about the subject, but I couldn't take any of it back.