REMEMBER US

Chapter 47: Childish

Jae POV:

Pregnant

There is a possibility that I am pregnant.

I wasn't excited when I find out that I was pregnant with Junae when I was 17 and I sure wasn't delighted when I got Lucas delivered to me in a box. I wasn't happy knowing that I had to raise those two up on my own, I wasn't happy that I had to rely on Uncle JB a man who I had only known for a year at the time. There was a time where I just wanted to give up and put them both in a box and delivering them to an orphanage. I wasn't good with them when they were babies, I was stressed and I let out my anger and frustration at them. I was a bad mother, I didn't know how to change diapers and still don't, I couldn't feed them without getting annoyed, I couldn't even get them to sleep. The truth is Uncle JB did everything that I couldn't, he knew how I wanted to focus on my career and felt bad that I couldn't do my dream job because of the kids.

My point is, I regret the way I reacted towards having kids, I hate that my initial reaction was to abort instead of celebrating. I swore to myself that if I ever got pregnant again then I would do it right. I would have a baby shower with a gender reveal, I'll be married, I'll go to those yoga classes pregnant woman do, that I would celebrate and learn how to take care of a damn baby.

But I don't feel that way. My first thought of me being pregnant right now was oh fuck, why now? I'm not ready for this baby, if there is a baby I'm at the height of my career, on the edge of getting a promotion that I have worked hard for all these years.

Standing here in the kitchen frozen, creating a pros and cons list of having this baby whilst staring at Jungkook's smiling face. He's talking to me, I can hear him but I'm not listening I'm trying to think. I'm trying to be rational. I can't be pregnant and work not with my new promotion, I won't even get it if they find out there is a possibility that I will be on maternity leave. Company will lose money and I'll lose my 5 years of hard work.

"I can't believe it Jae we are going to be the best parents-"

"I don't want the baby" I cut him off and say breaking out of my thoughts. I look up and see that his smile has disappeared, he's no longer pacing back and forth throwing his arms in the air due to excitement. He's standing still arms crossed over his chest looking down at me like I've lost my mind. Have I lost my mind?

"What? Jae you're not talking sense" he finally speaks up shaking his head after staring at me in silence for a good five minutes. I look down at my feet feeling guilty that I have to repeat myself, feeling guilty that I have ruined this good news for him for a second time in a row. This isn't how I wanted my second announcement like this.

"I don't want it Jungkook, not right now" I mutter too ashamed and guilty to say it with my chest. I can't even look him in the eyes because I can tell already that he's looking down at me with his eyebrows furrowed gritting his teeth with his jaw clenched.

"You can't postpone the baby, it's coming now" he tells me with a light chuckle as if I'm stupid or something. I sigh and roll my eyes at him annoyed that he isn't taking me seriously right now. I know it's not in his nature to be serious but I don't want this baby not right now anyways.

"But I'm not ready" I spell it out for him this time looking him directly in his eyes just to let him know that I mean business.

"You're just having cold feet just like when you were 17" he scoffs at me then places his hand on my shoulder gently rubbing it like I need some support or something. I push his arm off my shoulder and look at him dead in the eyes slightly pissed off that he's brushing me off like this right now.

"Precisely, I want to be pregnant and not have cold feet, I want to be happy but I'm not I'm stressing" I tell him with my eyebrows furrowed and eyes narrowed. He stares down at me in silence as of trying to read me but I don't move, I don't flinch I stand my ground and let him know that I'm not ready, I'm sorry but I'm not.