ace rants

I'm just redumping my problem on you, so thanks

So I reread one of my chapters on accident, and guess which one it is! It's very short, so I'll just rewrite it here.

"So I told some of my friends I'm ace today and one of them was so happy he squealed (he's gay and there aren't many lgbtq+ kids who are out at our school) and I'm SO HAPPY now because I wasn't really expecting that of all reactions.

"Like usually (as y'all know) a good reaction is "um sure okay" but he acted like it was such a great thing and now I feel really good about myself.

"Anyway, if people are ever being annoying when you come out, know that my friend loves you"

And I don't understand. Because the guy this is about is Harold. And before I went to camp this summer, we became really close. I trusted him with my insecurities, he trusted me with his, and it was just like a really wholesome friendship.

And one of the things he said bothered him the most was the stereotype of "gay best friend." 

But now it seems like he's just trying to fit that. I get that people change, but two months seems like a short time for him to become a completely different person. Now he's loud and sassy and sarcastic. I don't get how he became someone that he didn't want to be so badly before.

He's always been pretty sexual (idk what to call it but he talks about guys in a sexual way pretty often), but I always knew that if I ever became uncomfortable, he would stop if I asked.

And the fact that he told me to fuck off and then acknowledged that a.) he knew I was asexual and b.) He didn't care threw me off. 

But what's worse is that for the past two days, he's been acting cold to ME. As if I was the one in then wrong. Today in history, we had to ask people about their last name, so I turned to ask him because he's next to me, and he looked me in the eye and turned to someone else. THE FUCK DID I DO TO HIM?? AM I NOT ALLOWING HIM TO BE SEXUALLY FREE FOR NOT LISTENING TO HIM OBJECTIFY PEOPLE ONE SINGLE TIME? 

And knowing this new version of him, it probably is what he thinks. Which isn't fair because then he has a rational reason to think I'm a bad person, so then if we work it out, he'll see he's wrong and admit it, and then I'll have to forgive him. But I deserve to be allowed to be mad at him. I have worked hard to get to this point where I don't blame myself for inconveniencing people when they're at fault. And I was struggling to breathe and wanted to cry for the hour after. It's been two days, and I'm still more uncomfortable than usual when sex in general comes up. 

I miss the old version of him