ace rants

Gender

So yesterday I decided to "dress up as a guy" which was just tying my hair up so it hung over my eyes like bangs and wearing a hoodie with the hood on. Anyway, I sent a few pictures to my friends of me looking like a fuckboy, and they all said I looked hot as a guy, and some of them actually thought I was a guy at first, and idk I just really liked it. Okay, that's a bad description, but something about passing as a hot guy made me really proud. 

Most days, I don't like looking like a guy, but a few days every month or so, I want to pass as a guy. But when people use my name and she/her pronouns, I don't feel uncomfortable or anything, and I don't have dysphoria, but I'd just rather be a guy then (Which is kind of not the best because I'm 5 feet tall, so it's not exactly believable). 

Another thing is that I've realized I sort of respect manipulativeness, which is either because I'm just weird or ace-coded characters are often manipulative, so I've unconsciously started valuing that. So I think part of it is I sort of get a thrill from deceiving people (Going somewhere dressed as a ten year old boy and ordering from the kids menu or something is pretty high up on my bucket list). I swear, I'm not a psychopath.

And I definitely knowI'm not non-binary because out of she/her, they/them, and he/him, I feel like I identify least with they/them. 

But when I was dressed up as a guy, I was really excited, so I showed my dad, and I was like, "Hey look! I'm a guy!" And he got almost defensive?

He asked why I'd want to look like a guy, and he likes me as a girl.  And then later he told me to take my hood off because apparently it looked like I was wearing a burqa. I mean yeah, I was wearing an oversized black sweatshirt, but it takes less than two braincells to know I'm not wearing a burqa. 

And when I took off the hood and he saw that my hair was tied up to look like bangs, he seemed to get even more annoyed?? And then my mom agreed with him that I shouldn't be dressed up as a guy, so that hurt even more because I thought I was getting somewhere with her with not being transphobic and enforcing gender norms. 

So I really don't want to be trans. I don't even want to seriously think about it too much because I heard people's dysphoria got worse when they really realized they were trans (if I was anything, I think I'd be gender fluid), and I don't want anything to develop. Especially because now I know for sure that my parents wouldn't be accepting. But I'm pretty sure I'm cis,  so it should be fine for me at least.

But why do they have to be SO WEIRD about it? I just wanted to look like a guy for a little bit. Is that so bad?