ace rants

Even more about my squish and other relevant and irrelevent things

So we have a little problem because there are four people in my life who I would talk to about things that are important to me, and one of them cannot keep a secret for her life, one I can't tell this out of spite, one is my squish, and one is dating my squish.

So I don't exactly have someone to obsess over my squish to. Which is unfortunate because she's amazing.

Anyway before we get to that, can y'all help me :)

As we know, I've liked guys and girls, and with the girl I like now, I don't think I specifically want to date her romantically but I'm not sure because I just want to spend time with her and if that's doing romantic things then so be it. 

Also I hung out with her today and a cashier thought we were dating (I'll explain it at the part when I obsess over her) and that made me happy, so do I have a crush on her actually?????

The reason this matters is because does this count as me being bi? Since I'm definitely not bisexual, and I don't know if this is romantic attraction (she's my first full on female crush/squish) then what's even going on?? 

Oki so now onto my melodramatic life :) 

This is just me talking about my life, and it's not very related to asexuality or anything, so if you want to stop reading here that's all good

We both look somewhat hot when we dress up as guys apparently (this is one of my prouder accomplishments) so we decided we'd do a basic guy/eboy photoshoot. Anyway I went over to her house and we spent half an hour attempting to contour and do eyeliner (let me emphasize attempting) 

And she lives near a lake so we walked along that and through rocks in and then we were going to get bubble tea but we went to Starbucks, and we got into an argument over who would pay so I went first and ordered and then told the barista that I was paying for her (I am very proud that it worked).

A good thing to note at this point is that the barista was wearing not one but two rainbow pins. I was wearing timberlands, lightish blue jeans and a black Texas longhorns sweatshirt. She was wearing black cuffed mom jeans, rainbow Peppa pig socks, doc Martens, a button down shirt and a black band t shirt over it, and a black beanie. Also with the way we act around each other, it is generally conceivable that we could be dating. Also what we got was a chocolate and vanilla milk (two separate milks not one milk flavored chocolate and vanilla) 

Anyway we sat in a corner and the barista kept looking at us and yeah. Anyway the big point is h o l y  f u c k  I like her soooo much but I could never date her because she is quite allo, and then I'd feel bad for not wanting to kiss or anything, and also she has a girlfriend who she very much likes and who very much likes her. 

ALSO I met a guy at speech and he's super smart. Let me clarify that I don't like him, I'm just having a conflict about things and want advice :)

I like having really smart friends because conversations with them are so so interesting. The problem is that with my main really smart friend who also happens to be Eyal (we figured out the whole demi thing and now we're like best friends so yeah) but anyway he's really smart and I love talking to him, but if we ever bring up clothes he's like eww no. Which is true for most of my guy friends too.

Also just like a tidbit to know is that I apparently dress bisexually (t-shirt tucked into cuffed jeans, doc Martens, etc.)

The smart guy I met is named Frank. Anyway one of the reasons I like Frank is because while we can have really interesting big brain conversations, I can also be like "oh my god look at this leather jacket I have" and things like that, and he'll listen to me and be excited about it and stuff which Eyal and most smart people or people in general don't do.

The problem is that I feel like this follows the gross GBF stereotype because he's gay, and I like him partially because I can talk about clothes and stuff with him. So does it? I'd never think of him as an accessory more than just a person of course, but how can I make it so it seems less like that (or does it just not matter because him being gay isn't any of the reasons I want to be friends with him?)