Adventures, Memories, and Everything in Between

if i stay

i know you don't read these.
i know you can't read these.
thats fine.
just feel my telepathic brainwaves in this message for you that you will never receive.

i will wait for you,
BUT
only if i don't fall for anyone else.

if the butterflies gently flutter with bandaged wings at the sound of someone else's name,
if i can finally take a million pictures of someone else,
if someone else becomes my wallpaper on my phone,
if someone else's pictures replace yours on my bulletin board,
if someone else makes me a poster and blissfully asks me to the school dance,
if someone else gives me flowers and kisses on my hand and sings to me and loves me,
if someone else draws pictures for me and writes me love notes,
if someone else cuddles me,
if someone else entwines their whole body with mine and lets me bury my face in their neck,
if someone else takes me beautiful places and makes me laugh and motivates me,
if someone else shows up at my doorstep late at night with a hug, a bag of chips and comfort because i had a particularly rough day,

like you did,

maybe then i will be able to move forward.

but if nobody else can make me feel in the way you did,

there will be a light on in that empty room in my heart that you left damaged and destroyed.

i'll make the bed and pick up the mess.
i'll fix the door, which you ripped off of the hinges.
i'll pick up the shards of the stained glass window of you and i,
and i'll leave little lilies on the bedside table, with a cool glass of mountain dew.
i'll be sitting on the floor, waiting for you.

...

i'll let the universe guide me, and i will trust that she knows where i belong.

but i hope you know that

if i stay,

things will be VERY different than they were.
if changes are not made,
i will personally tear up the room i made for you, and allow you to watch.

i will scream and tear down the paintings on the walls.
i will throw the vase of lilies at the wall and watch it shatter in an explosion of glass.
i will allow myself to explode, and that place will be left looking like a bomb went off.
(im the bomb, by the way)
then i'll throw out your belongings and hope some kind soul finds me and helps me tidy the little room, and maybe it can become his.

until then, i'll leave the light on in the room that has my bloodstains on the walls and beautiful satin curtains
that i'm still afraid to go see,

because i don't want to see what we have done
ever again.