Adventures, Memories, and Everything in Between

focusing on what i have right now in order to try and sleep tonight

i want to scream until my vocal chords snap and my throat bleeds so instead i will try to think about good stuff.

ok sure,
maybe you arent here right now
but you know what is here right now?

my stuffed animals. those are nice and soft. i can hug them.

and candy. which tastes sweet.

and some TV. which is a nice distraction.

and my hands, which i will surely pick at until they bleed.
so maybe i should grab a stress ball.

and perfume, which ill spray a little of that real nice one on my pillow before i sleep.

and my polaroid, which will take some real nice pictures someday.

and my jar of little plastic babies, which makes me laugh because it reminds me of my cousins. and also because having a jar of plastic babies is ridiculous, but i have one.

and my ukulele, which ill play a song for you that you wont hear on, before i go to sleep. the ukulele makes me feel not useless. so thats cool.

and my little self help books. i will read em and fill out a few pages cuz they make me giggle cuz they have swear words and i think thats kinda funny.

and theres me.

i can just take some deep breaths.

maybe meditate.

use the things i listed to try and get rid of this pounding headache that hardly goes away.

try and shut the voices up for just a little while.

just long enough for me to sleep tonight.

gotta find my unicorn and squeeze it tight.

hopefully i can restrain myself from putting on your hoodie and looking through the photos again.

my rooms a mess already.
i dont need more things to make it messier.

and im NOT gonna listen to this song
because it always makes me feel existential
and i start thinking of you,
and ill never sleep then.

i am just looking for a little sleep in this life of chaos that i live,

sitting around all day and doing nothing is much more chaotic than you may imagine.

especially when you have to pretend to be happy most of the time.

i hope you can find a little happiness in every day.
smile and keep your head up.
i will be there to kiss your nose on mars tonight.

im looking for something warm.