Adventures, Memories, and Everything in Between

jesus christ dude, get a hobby and get the fuck out of my head

drops of mountain dew spill onto my lips,
followed closely by your hand on my cheek.

i look up at you with smiling eyes from the passenger seat of your old, sorta beat up pathfinder.

wind blows in through the window on both my side and yours, streaming through my hair on one end and onto my feet which rest on your lap on the other.

a song by panic at the disco plays, full volume from my phone which sits in the cupholder.

we are on our way home from a long and particularly stressful day at school.

you notice me spacing out, which you know i do a lot when im tired or upset.

you crack a little grin and begin to sing along with the song. you catch my eye, then quickly refocus on the road. i giggle at how awful you sound, but all i can think is "i love you."

it reaches the part where you have to sing loud, and you try to hit the note. your voice cracks severely, and you break into hysterics at the sound of your own voice. i laugh too, because you are too funny. i sing with you, both of our voices almost breaking the windows of your car. i take my feet down from your lap and stick my head out the window. the wind pushes my glasses up against my face.

im happy.

those times were good, and i really miss that version of you.

the you that kissed the tips of my fingers when you see my hopeless attempts at painting my nails, knowing that ill end up chewing em off anyways.

the you that bought my breakfast on our anniversaries.

the you that told me i was beautiful instead of hot.

but nostalgia is a liar, and things seem better now than they actually were.

cuz you stopped the romantic scenes.

you stopped looking at me like i was the world, and started looking at me like i was your plaything.

you didn't call me beautiful.

you didn't ask me if the bad feelings went away anymore.

you just...

stopped caring as much, i guess.

call it "falling out of love," if you will.

i hope that wasn't the case even though i know it probably was.

...

please be okay for me. it tears me apart to imagine you upset because of me. i blame myself. every morning, would've could've should've plays in my head on repeat until by nightfall i realize that i will survive. then i lay down, and fall asleep missing you. i dream about you, and scenes like the one i just described. not quite dreams, but flashbacks. i wake up the next morning back at square one. my heart is so tired of fighting. im so tired. i want to love again. i want to love you. i want to forget you. i want to hate you. i want to slap you. i want to scream at you. i want you to be happy. i want you to be miserable without me. i want you to live an excellent life without me. i want you to live an extraordinary life with me by your side. i want you to read this. i want you to know all of this. i know you wont read this.

i want to be okay.
i just don't remember how to be.