Adventures, Memories, and Everything in Between

we love anxiety attacks

man
i havent even realized it until now but
i havent had an anxiety attack in a long time.

these depressive episodes make it kinda hard to feel anything but
empty,
sad,
or distracted.

that thought floated through my mind as i sat on my floor yesterday,
gasping, and crying, and totally losing it,
but i was wearing your hoodie to try and calm down.

...when did i put it on?

the noisy orange is unfamiliar to me,
i used to wear it every day.

focusing on that color,
and deep breaths,
and trying to let my eyes unpuff before i went back upstairs
so that nobody can tell that i had been crying.
washing my face and saying that it was a bit of soap i got in my eyes,
but in all seriousness though,
this is the worst anxiety attack i have ever had.

i havent ever,
like,
PHYSICALLY
not been able to breathe.

like i have had that emotion,
if that makes sense,
of like, being scared and feeling like you cant breathe
but for real not being able to breathe is a new one.

after hearing one too many songs that reminded me
of you,
i felt my eyes prickle and retreated to my room
as quickly
and quietly
as can be.

after my little episode,
i walk back upstairs, and
missed call from mom.

perfect timing.

i take a deep breath and try to collect myself, and im like,
"Hi Mom!!!!"

and i take the dog out while im on the phone,
forgetting im still wearing your hoodie, and i panic
i get off the phone asap and
beg my dog to PLEASE just piss
before going inside,
straight down to my room and
taking off the hoodie
and placing all of the cards you got me
and notes you wrote me
and the blanket we shared
all back into the box.

this is the first time
i have gone into the box
since you left.

is that anxiety?

seeing all we had,
and being so afraid
that i will
never
get you back?