Adventures, Memories, and Everything in Between

we needed a break but that doesnt mean i dont miss you, cuz i do a lot

how much i miss you doesn't really hit me
until i see something that
reminds me of you.
ill be going about my day when
someone just decides to go and
pull the trigger of a gun in my memory,
and i'm back on the depression train,
choo choo!

i can laugh about it and make jokes all i want but,
i really have a lot of work to do.
my therapist says i'm making good progress but
a little part of me feels like i started over.
the goal was to heal and move on from the breakup
but i have abandoned that idea,
cuz i'll heal, but i do not plan on moving on
ever.

but at a graduation party the other day,
and any time anyone mentions college,
or boyfriends,
or love,
or love songs,
or sea turtles,
or the color red,
or stuffed animals,
or pancakes,
or a fine ass cheeseburger,
or literally anything,
i always find a way to connect it back to you.

every
damn
time.

i just really miss the way you made me feel
towards the beginning.
the end, i felt used.
i felt worthless.
i felt like if some unlucky stroke of fate
took my last breath from my lungs,
no one would
even really
care.

so yeah, i miss you like hell.
and i would give my whole life to be able
to reach out and touch you.
i would give my whole life
to breathe your smell,
to feel you breathe into me as i breathe into you,
to feel your lips on my hand, forehead, cheek, lips,
to whisper about how we
are the only infinite thing
that there ever was, and how
the stars will burn out before we do,

but we needed this.
and i'm happy that it happened.
of course, not in this way that it happened,
but we needed a break really badly.

i could not go on feeling that way.

whenever i come back,
im scared that you will realize
that i have way higher standards
to be met, and you wont like that
so youll go and leave me alone,
with another year of my life wasted,
waiting.

and still,
i still wonder the simplest little things.

i wonder what you had for breakfast.
i wonder if you still sleep with Chip,
the little plush dog i gave you.
i wonder what college you ended up choosing.
i wonder what the last thing that made you smile was.
i wonder if you lay awake at night.
i wonder if you ever did get those braces off.

i wish i could see you somehow.
ill just keep imagining.