Adventures, Memories, and Everything in Between

everywhere i go* (updated again)

i pretend to look around
at everything that surrounds me,
like im just observing the area,
just doing a scan of the place
to get a feel for where i am.

but if you really know me,

im looking inside of the windows of every car that passes.
im hesitating for just a moment
to peek down every corner,
im searching for the bright smile
that has had braces for four years,
and the giggles at things that arent even that funny,
im looking for messy brown hair and tan skin,
the bright red hoodie,
and that weird helmet that he loves so much
and i never quite understood why,
im looking for a nervous boy who is trying his best,
the one who picks at his hands when he gets nervous,
the one who drives like a maniac,
im on a hunt for the brown eyes that make me drown
in pools of honey and syrup,
dont you see that i look for you in every crowd?

my eyes scan the billions of faces i see
every
goddamn
day.

and feminist Arianne says,
"i dont need a man to be happy,
i am strong and independent and... strong"

but real Arianne lays awake at night, wishing she didnt delete all of your voicemails

regardless,
i would willingly let you break my heart a hundred times.
i would keep placing my heart in your hands
and watching you throw it on the ground
and crush it to pieces.
i would pick up the shards and place them
right back in your palms,

i want to be okay but
you left me not remembering how

so ill just keep on wishing i could fall asleep
and wake up when there is no more you.

no more memories,
no more dreams,
no more nightmares,
no more waking up and thriving on that split second before i realize that you are gone,
no more memories,
no more hoodies,
or pictures,
or ice cream,
or dancing,
or kisses,
or inside jokes,
or love that i have been trying SO hard to get rid of.

you still manage to ruin my day sometimes.
even after a great week,
i always have one or two off days.
your fingerprints still linger on my skin, in my brain, and all over my heart.

peeling you off of me is impossible when you've tattooed yourself all over,
i've been ripping off my own skin to try and get you away.
but it hurts and just leaves me bleeding out anyways so im just gonna leave it there and accept that its probably never gonna go away.

yet i still look for the love i once felt.
i look for something familiar,
i look for my shoulder to cry on.
my person to laugh with.
my baby to hold and
my lover to hold me,
i dont know why

but sometimes i think i hear your voice

just for a moment

but then i turn

and i see a new face,
who could have easily taken your place
but i turn and keep on walking

because i am going to war.
i already have my best armor on,
with my sharpest sword and my loaded gun on my hip.

im going to war, and this time

i will be selfish.

i will get what i want.
i have my secret binoculars
and a photo of you in my pocket
and i am so ready

...

to see you again.

AN: whenever you see a little star like this: *
that means it is a poem i am thinking about doing for Louder Than A Bomb, a spoken word poetry competition that takes place every year in chicago. that is, if it still happens cuz of corona.

also, you might see me deleting old poems and adding pieces of then to other poems, like i did here. so if you see phrases and metaphors that i have already used, know that i deleted the old poem that used said metaphor. im trying to create a really strong piece for LTAB that sums up everything im feeling right now. thanks for reading all of this, heres a wholesome meme :)