Adventures, Memories, and Everything in Between

ode to my confidence

hey girl.
its been a while since we've talked.
i have missed you, since that last day i saw you.
i really am sorry that i lost you,
pieces of you like a puzzle over time.

an edge piece

when those boys called me ugly
and kicked me in the isle of the bus
and i saw those bruises on my ribs
in the mirror for weeks,
when they held me up against
the wooden fence and told me
to kill myself.
i was 8.

a corner piece

when daddy didn't come to
the choir concert i had a big solo in,
he promised he would come this time.
i was 13.

a center piece

when my first real boyfriend
slid his hand up my shirt, up my thigh
with his mom asleep on the couch
right next to us.
he felt me shaking and still,
he did what he wanted to before
i shoved him off of me and told him
i wanted to go to sleep.
i was 14.

more little pieces here and there

with every snarky comment
from grandma about my
lipstick, and every stare at my hair,
and every time i thought to myself

"nobody likes you.
everyone hates you.
they all use you.
you're replaceable.
insignificant, worthless..."

and id stop myself before it went where we all know it was going.

i would not allow myself to think that thought,
until one day, i was weak.

i let the thought slither into my head,
not a want for it, but rather just the suggestion.

just a poking, a prodding reminder that this would all be so much easier if...
if i was...

but im not.
im alive,
kicking and screaming and
looking a little bit like a mix of a model and the grinch,
but i actually like looking at myself now.
making the effort to wink whenever i pass a mirror,
gently flirting with myself and calling her cute.
buying her gifts or making crafts and projects for her,
and taking pictures of her and things she loves.
so i will fill up my own missing puzzle pieces for you, confidence.
i will use you to personally fill every missing piece.