It's Complicated

Darkness

Jay POV

All I could feel was pain. Everything was black, and there was no noise. I briefly wondered if I was dead. I wouldn't feel anything if I was dead, right? I didn't know what happened after death. I never really believed in anything, and just figured whatever happened would happen. I couldn't open my eyes.

I couldn't remember what happened before the blackness eluded me. It all flashed like blurs. I was convinced that it was dream. It was the thing that only made sense. I must have been in a nightmare. Why else would Ed have been there? It is the only way that anything that happened could have.

It was still far too quiet. I never liked the quiet. It reminded me of the years after Nelson's death where I felt all alone. It made me feel trapped between 2 walls. The years after Nelson died, I felt a war between 2 people. The person I was when Nelson died, and then the person that I was becoming after that. I didn't want to change, and the quiet made me feel change.

It was never a good thing for there to be quiet. If I didn't like it before, why would I like it now? It doesn't make any sense. I felt sad as I tried to open my eyes. I didn't want to be alone. I hated being alone. I hated the feeling where you felt that no one would understand you if you opened up. I didn't like setting up walls, but I always did subconsciously. Was that why I couldn't seem to remember anything? Had my brain set up a wall?

The pain seemed to shoot up in my body, and yet I couldn't shout. It  was like my mouth was bar wired shut. I couldn't move my body, and if it weren't for the pain that I felt, I would think that it wasn't even there. I didn't like this at all. I didn't care about anything. I wanted to gain control of my body again. I wanted the silence reign to end.

I thought back to Nya as I looked at the blackness that surrounded me. I didn't know where she was. She wasn't there with Ed, was she? I couldn't remember. All I could remember was her shouting my name? Maybe that was my brain playing tricks on me. There was no way that I let her around Ed after everything that he ever did to me. Was I really that stupid?

Everything was just blurry colors. I didn't know what happened in those memories. All I saw was blobs of color, moving around everywhere. I couldn't recognize my surroundings at all. It hurt my head to try to focus on it. I finally stopped trying to remember everything. I wasn't going to continue to cause more pain than what I already felt. 

The thought of the pain made itself known again. It felt like it hurt more at this point in time. Perhaps it was because that was all I could feel. Perhaps it was because I was acknowledging it. There wasn't anything else to do though. Everything else made it hurt even more. Why was everything like this? Why did bad things always have to happen to me?

I heard the pitter patter of rain drops, and it confused me slightly. That was all I could feel against my face. My face was part of my body, and yet only my face was the thing that could feel something. I wanted to cry, and yet I couldn't remember how to cry. When was the last time I had cried? Why is it like that? Why can't I ever control my body after everything that I have had to go through in this past year?

Again, all I could think about was Nya. She always was there when I needed her, so why was she not here now? Did I not actually need her like I thought that I did? She was always like my other half, and now she was gone. Did that mean that half of me was gone as well? Maybe that was why I couldn't feel anything. I may have kept my body, but she has all of my senses. Real life doesn't work like that though. What really happened?

My whole body shook now. It was like an earthquake came through and shook me whole. It went from no movement to the movement of a weak bridge on a windy night. I was becoming beyond terrified now. None of this made any sense whatsoever. I didn't understand why of course. I didn't understand anything anymore. For someone who was supposed to be really smart, I was incredibly stupid. Perhaps that was why I was going through everything now. Maybe that was a sign trying to tell me that I was wrong to be here. I was wrong to think that I could be anything I wanted.

The butterfly effect means that everything is connected. That one move in the opposite direction will change everything. Was my life the wrong move? Was I actually never supposed to even be here? I didn't like the negative thoughts that started entering my head, but now that was all I could think. My life was being controlled by a stupid effect. Why couldn't I take control over something that should technically be rightfully mine. It is my body, so why can't I ever do what I want? Why does this stupid effect have to challenge me?

My mind drifted to Nelson as my body continued to shake. Was this how Nelson felt in his final hours? Was I dying? Nelson was  my bestfriend, and now I must have the same fate as him. It figures as much. This was always my life anyway. Would Nelson want me to accept this though? Did he accept death, or did he fight it as long as he could? What should I choose? What was the right choice? 

Before Nelson hung out with other people, he always told me to fight for the things that I wanted. Then, he changed. When he changed, he told me to accept things the way that they were. Do I listen to before Nelson or after Nelson? Do I fight or do I let it be? What should I do? What should my answer be? How would life be after I was gone? Would it be easier or harder?

When Nelson died, everything turned dark in my life, but that was different. He was my brother. My friends couldn't possibly be as attached to me as I was to him, right? There was no way that they could possibly like me like that. Nya maybe. However, she could get over it. I wasn't her life anyway. She couldn't have possibly thought that I was good enough for someone like her. She was better than me in everyway. 

Then, could just picture how she would look if I died. I could see her broken features implanted in my brain. I knew she would act in the way that I acted when Nelson passed, and that was making me terrified. That is a pain that I never want her to have to go through. She shouldn't have to go through anything that I had to. I love her too much for that pain. I knew my answer right then and there. I wasn't going to fight for myself. I was going to fight for Nya.

My eyes opened as soon as I made my decision.