EXES AND OH'S

Alone Together

Mental breakdown. Menstruation. Menopause. Notice how all women's major life problems begin with men? Coincidence? Nope, I don't think so.

I take a deep breath as I climb up the steps to the main door of my apartment building. I stop for a second at the vending machine beside the staircase to grab a bar of Snickers. All that bottled up rage towards Levi and to the fucked up world in general made me burn a hundred thousand kilojoules of calories. 

I insert a few dollar bills and the machine just keeps on swallowing it out. I fish for a few more bills from my wallet, straightened and flattened it out, yet the machine won't accept my money. 

"Ugh, just accept my money you cunt!" I kick and shout at the machine, pounding my fist against the glass panel.

"Whoa, hey. You're having a moment in there. Need help?" I hear someone behind me chuckle. I turn around to see Kurt the 7-11 emo wannabe cashier pulling out dollars and offering some bills to me in exchange of mine.

"Are you my stalker or something?!" I bark at him.

"No, lady," he snorts and steps forward to the machine, inserting cash and getting two cans of Lo-Carb Monster energy drink. "I live upstairs, fourth floor." He flashes a stoned smile at me. "Let's smoke some dope? Just to mellow you down." Kurt beamed and pulled out a joint from behind his ear, concealed by his black hoodie which was perched over his ridiculous hair. He offered and handed me one rolled up weed casually, like we were old chums. Is he for fucking real?

I scrunched my face and shoved him away from the machine. "No, thank you." Getting high with a dude is not good idea, at least for me. You know what happened the last time I smoked weed. And I surely don't want to get laid and get in a chemical romance to this Fall Out Boy. Fuck me, that's a really bad emo band pun.

"Yeah, don't worry. You're not my type." He leaned his shoulder against the glass panel of the machine.

Oh, wow. I turn my head and raise an eyebrow at him. "I'm a real catch, Kurt. So fuck off."

"Well I won't do you in a million years, still. Unless you magically grow a penis." He winked at me and was already headed upstairs.

My mouth almost dropped to the floor. God, my gaydar is really off tonight. First, that Hispanic guy outside the Ruins. And then Kurt? I totally did not sense him. Tim and Phil would be highly disappointed of me.

"Kurt, wait!" I rush to the stairwell and holler at him. "I just maybe... wanna hang? I'll get high on Monster, but definitely not on weed. I don't want to be touching myself in front of you. My name's Charlie, by the way!" I chuckle and bite my lip playfully.

"Girl, if you touch yourself in front of me I'll chop off your fingers. Stop being disgusting." He quipped, then threw me his other can of energy drink. "I'll wait for you on the fourth landing."

"Okay." I smile and head back to the vending machine for my Snickers fix. And at last, the machine dispensed my candy bar. I scooted down and grabbed for it from the dispenser. I was about to open it when I saw the snarky caption on the Snickers packet: HOT MESS.

Oh really now, Snickers? I twitch my lips into an annoyed pout and inserted another dollar bill. "Alright, let's see what you have to say about me next. Fucking judgmental candy bar!"

The candy fell and I grabbed it again from the dispenser. I read the packet: CURMUDGEON. "Ugh! I am not an old trout! I will end up with somebody, someday! I am not single forever!"