EXES AND OH'S

Wolves

My head and hands turn ice-cold, but my chest is burning with a luminous warmth. I let out a nervous laugh and decide to make things less serious. "Do you usually tell girls this stuff on the first date?" I try to joke.

Levi looks at me straight in the eye. "You know that I don't date." He mumbled, his face dead serious. 

Fuck, he really wants to talk about this. I just opened a can of worms. We were already doing great, and now I'm just about to ruin it again. You're a fucking idiot, Charlie!  

"What happened to pretending we don't know each other?" My gaze falls to the floor. Levi's stare is killing me, he never looked at me this way before.

"I don't know, I guess, I... I can't pretend anymore." He gazes at me with purpose.

Fuck, fuck , fuck. 

Kurt was right, time and again. And I didn't listen, I didn't give this a thought when he was telling me all about this — this same, exact shit that's happening right now. Fucking smart-ass Kurt.

I gape back at Levi with alarm in my eyes. What he just said made me swallow an invisible lump in my throat. "So... what are you trying to say? I'm — I'm so fucking confused, Levi." I bleated, my voice going a couple pitches higher with the fret sitting on the back of my chest. Clearly, he wants to commit, be in a relationship... with me. 

"Charlie, I've already said this to you a couple of times." He laughs, but looks really annoyed. "I told you the first time while we were inside the listening booth of that goddamned record store near your place, I told you that night after we fought outside that bar in Kips, and plenty more times — before, during and after sex." Levi trailed off, his eyes never leaving mine. 

I roll my eyes and chuckle, standing up from the couch to give myself some distance from Levi. "That time at the record store? What are you—" I stammer, turning away from him and closing my eyes, trying so fucking hard to remember every little detail of that day. I absolutely cannot recall Levi telling me he liked me. That never fucking happened. We were inside the listening booth when he told me? We were wearing headphones that whole time for fuck's sake. 

Oh, right. I remember it now. He was mouthing something to me... right before we kissed. So that was it. He told me he liked me?

Levi stands up and turns me around to face him. He's panting, despair and exasperation etched in his face. "Yes, and I'm telling you again — right now. I want you!" He echoed, and to me it just sounded like a ringing white noise. "So I really want to know, Charlie. Do you want me the same way? Because I can't fucking keep this in anymore."

No. I don't want you, Levi. I love you.

I stand still, trying to get my brain and body to function and work together. My subconscious is battling a response for yet another fight or flight. But this time, I am alone. Levi can't help me with this, because it's him that's causing this panic and distress that I'm feeling. I'm so fucking scared and confused of these feelings that I have for him.

I can't tell Levi that I love him, because just as he said, we, this, will never work due to an inevitable circumstance — and that circumstance is me. 

People don't change, feelings do. 

Wanting each other so bad won't ever be enough, and sharing the same intense, mutual desire, is temporary. It will wear out, and in our case, fast; because we're both corrosive. We'll just trample on each other's feelings because he's an asshole and I'm a fucking wreck. And when this all ends, Levi can just easily go back to his usual, old self. While I, on the other hand, will once again break and crumble into a tiny million pieces. And I seriously do not know if I would still be able to dig myself out of that pile of emotional rubble.