EXES AND OH'S

Single White Female

Okay, so since Sunday morning all I can ever think about was Levi's dick.

I know it's not healthy thinking and fantasizing about a guy's junk twenty-four hours straight after you've just had sex. I don't mean to objectify men too, in general. It's just that - that's the first dick I've had after two long years. Not that I was under a dry spell. Heck, I always make sure I'm still super fresh and drenched down there.

Maybe it's high time that I look for a someone to keep me warm again.

You might be wondering, why don't I just go hop in a bar, and let a guy buy me a drink from his sausage wallet, then go home with the guy and get laid. See, I'm not up for that shit anymore. Because that's exactly how I met my ex-boyfriends Tom, Zach, and Brian. Yes, in that order. These are not all the men in my life, but they're the worst.

Let me give you a gist of what went down with these guys, and why I decided to remain single - not forever, but just until... I honestly don't know. 

So there's Tom. I met him at an underground bar in Brooklyn. Sky blue eyes, light chestnut hair, cute dimples. He was French-American. So... rawr.

Anyway, Tom worked odd jobs. And when I say odd, it's definitely odd - like, really scary dark web shit odd. He's a shady guy. At first, I thought he's just some computer tech nerd who was all nice and cool. He was really kind and fun to be around with. Plus, he gave me all his time. I thought that was super sweet at first, but turns out, it was an early warning sign. 

And so after countless nights of steamy sex and going out with Tom for two months, I decide to move in with him. The first weird thing about this dude was, he didn't have any friends. He never went out to, you know, do guy stuff like watch the Knicks or Giants game, get drunk in the bar with his buddies, do side chicks and all that jazz. But Tom only ever went out sometimes for work, like really late in the night and then comes back home the afternoon of the next day. There were times when he even goes off the radar for a couple of days. And trust me, it's not a good feeling waiting for your boyfriend's text every single minute when he just goes away without knowing where he is, what he does, who he's with and if he'll ever come back at all.

Needless to say, I became highly suspicious of his behavior. He wouldn't say exactly what he did for a living. I thought he was just a drug dealer and shit, but one day when he went out and I finally cracked the password to his laptop. I found out that he's dealing with black market people for fetish video stuff. How he does it? I don't know. What he captures in video? You don't want to know.

I broke it off with Tom pronto 'cause I was shit scared. I thought I was safe already, but then there were nights when I suddenly jolt awake and get this eerie feeling that there's someone standing at the edge of my bed watching me sleep. Sometimes, I even wake up late in the morning feeling totally groggy, raw, and weak. And every time I go out I just feel like someone's watching me.

One night, I just decided to set up nanny cams all over my apartment because I definitely know that something's up and I can totally feel it in my bones. When I woke up the next day, I watched the footage only to find out that all my suspicions were correct. Tom gets in my apartment every single night without my knowledge and consent. He pops roofies in my vitamin water, which he knows I take every night before I go to bed. And you probably know what he does to me next.

So yes, it was all caught on the nanny cam. That sick fucker. But I never reported him to the police. 

You may think that I'm a misanthrope with all the screwed up things that happened in my life. But trust me, I still have that spark of faith in humanity. I thank my adoptive parents Tim and Phil for that.