EXES AND OH'S

Time to Get Over It (?)

"This is Levi Steinmetz." 

I hear his voice on the speaker phone, and instantly get electric shivers shooting through my bones. I close my eyes and stop to take a deep breath, imagining he's right next to me, whispering to my ear. All the hair in my skin stand on its ends, and the corners of my eyes start to get watery.

Listening to Levi's voice brings me mixed emotions — I feel that warmth in my chest, like a glowing sun, and there's bitter heaviness too, like a stinging heartache. It's like being happy and sad at the same time. But God, I just... miss him, so fucking much.

I throw my phone on the other end of the couch. I lean back and gnaw on my thumb, so fucking resigned and finally putting up the white flag with heavy dread and despair in my chest. 

"...If you're hearing this, that means I'm probably trying to avoid you. So don't leave a message 'cause nobody likes you."

The voice message ends and now all I can hear is a loud, ominous beeping going off from the speaker phone.

I've been trying to call Levi all week, after having decided to finally tell him how I feel. I've already gathered the strength and courage to say that I love him. But apparently, all my phone calls are being sent to his voicemail. I left him just one message, asking if we could talk — but he never called back.

Levi might have blocked my number already, or had me on perpetual divert. I mean, that recording alone says way too much how he feels about me. He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I can't imagine why he would, anyway. I fucked him up so bad — the same way that he fucked me up, too. No matter how hard we try to get our shit together, we just end up pulling it all apart. Is it time to get over it?

Maybe, we're just... not meant to be together. There just never seemed to be a right time, place, moment, and probably because it's not with the right person. 

I'm just hurting a little too much lately, that I started to second guess every decision I've made. I've contemplated, what if I decided to give us a try while we were still in New York? What if we played it differently? Could we have been happy? Could we have made it through? Or have we broken up all the same? I've fought my feelings so hard for Levi the whole time, because I was so afraid to of getting hurt again. And it's funny, because I ended up feeling this immense pain anyway.

Levi was right. I've never given him a chance. And it most definitely didn't help that I played fire with Günter. I thought all the while I'd be protecting my heart that way, by making him an option. Turns out, I got myself burnt with that big fire I was feeding. 

Now it's just too late, there's no turning back from this. There's just no chance for us.

I reach for the TV remote and press play, resuming where I've left off with this stupid romantic comedy I'm watching starring that horny, problematic blonde from Grey's Anatomy and that constipated Cyclops from the X-Men movie franchise. 

What's the name of this dumb film again? I squint my eyes and read the title on the TV screen. Oh, right. 27 Dresses.

"Love is patient, love is kind, love means slowly losing your mind." 

Damn fucking straight, James Marsden! He scoffs and smiles smugly on the screen, as if seeing through the torment that I'm in right now. With all guns blazing, I grab a handful of popcorn and throw it on the 65-inch screen. Fuck it! I grab the whole bowl and throw all the kernels towards the TV. I stare heavenward, take one huge breath and scream my fucking lungs out for ten seconds straight.