EXES AND OH'S

The Roommate

"Jace tells me my vagina looks weird." The obnoxious girl in front of us at the line blurts out to her friend in a super annoying high-pitched fake socialite voice. Both of them looks like they just had their fake tans freshly done and are looking like walking traffic cones, with lots of bling, lots of legs, and lots of dumb things coming out of their stupid mouths.

"Girl, your vagina's fine. Not your fault that Jace has been scuba diving in that ho Madison's hairy and flappy beaver for years before he swam onto yours." The other friend chimes in, flipping her dead-straight jet black hair to the back of her shoulder. And I swear to God, they look like one of those girls from the trashy MTV reality shows back in 2009.

Kurt and I both look at each other at the same time, rolling our eyes and shaking our heads. We literally share the same thoughts. We get each other so well that we know what the other is thinking without really saying anything. We're standing in line at this super cool Mexican food truck right across our apartment building. The two hot Latino owners serve the best tacos and burritos in the city. 

I lean towards Kurt and whisper to his ear. "And it's official, vagina's gone mainstream." I tut and pout.

Kurt hooks his arm on my shoulder and chuckles. "Oh boo, I'm sorry. I know it's your favorite word." He quips.

"Not just my favorite word! It's my favorite body part!" I cock my head to the side and glare at him. "And now everybody's saying it! Just listen to little Snooki and JWoww's conversation out here." I whisper-yell at him and point my chin at the two skanks in front of us. I eye them from head to foot. They were both wearing super short shorts and skimpy tank tops, paired with wedge sneakers. What, are they like, waitressing at Hooters?

"Well, we can pick another cute word to replace it, like maybe... cookie?" Kurt suggests, beaming at me.

"Yeah, no," I shake my head. "That sounds like a good idea until you walk past a bunch of girl scouts selling their cookies on the street. Jesus Christ!" Kurt and I giggle at the same time.

"Next!" The cute guy taking the orders calls out the next in line. The Jersey Shore girls are still chatting up mindlessly, talking about each other's vaginas and seemingly not caring in the world that there's other people waiting in line behind them, wanting to take their orders taken. The guy calls again, yet the two chippies just kept on yapping.

I scrape my throat and cross my arms above my chest. "Hey, Tweedle Ho and Tweedle Twat, you're next in line!" I bark and widen my eyes at them.

The little one with the so-2005 bleached highlights over her black hair turns her gaze towards me and Kurt, raising her overplucked, sperm-shaped eyebrow. "I'm sorry, you old hag, are you talking to us?"

I scoff and raise a sassy index finger at her, getting my yo momma on. "Me? Old hag?" I narrow my eyes at them, and Kurt starts to chortle beside me.

"Yes, bitch. You. Why don't you take a chill pill, gramma? And better back away now, you don't want me pulling on your old woman gray hair!" The other one snaps back at me.

"Oh, really?" I sneer and smile mockingly. "Go and try me. I'll pull your intestines out of your nose and get you to wear them as your new necklace!"

"Alright, Charlie. Let's just turn this down a notch now, babe." Kurt holds my arms and starts to pull me back.

"Hey, you little emo fag! Why don't you dip your finger on some other person's ass!" Bleached highlights hissed, and my nostrils flare with pure anger with what she just called Kurt.