EXES AND OH'S

And the F*cking Wedding. Mazel Tov!

I put on my heart-shaped sunglasses and lean on the trunk of the fully-bloomed pink Dogwood tree, the colors of its flowers matching my pink cocktail dress. I'm pretty sure I look like a sad bitch all alone here, away from all the people, but I couldn't give a single fuck. Maybe people will even think that I'm sort of the groom's ex-girlfriend, feeling all bitter and sad that he got married. 

Oh, the drama. I love how people can get so nosey.

I sometimes do this thing on random people's funerals. When I get totally bored and reminded that I'm so frickin' single, I go to the cemetery wearing a black lace dress, carry a big black umbrella and then watch from a distance as the family and friends of the deceased mourned. I'd like them to think that I'm some mysterious stranger who knew the dead. You know, just for the drama, and to fuck with people's minds. One time, there's even this wife who actually came up to me and asked how I knew her husband. I just told her, "I loved his penis", and left. I can still see her face to this day. 

Hate to say it, but I think funerals are better than weddings. Sending someone to eternal rest is just... peaceful. Weddings on the other hand, it's like sending two people to their doom. Monogamy's just unnatural. We all have the same instincts as animals. Hell, we all love it when we humans fuck like animals. But we live in a society where it's been ingrained in us to do these things because of some fucking standard and moral quandary. But hey, if the whole stick-to-one thing works for other people, good for them.

The wedding ceremony had just finished, and the guests were flocked by the arch at the end of the aisle to have their pictures taken, and to congratulate the newlyweds of course.

God, everybody's got their smiles on. I literally want to throw up in my mouth, swallow my vomit and then retch it all up all over again. When there's this so much love and happiness in one place, I just get the heebie-jeebies. While they're at it, why don't they belt out I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing and raise their hands up in the air like it's a fucking kumbaya. The lyrics is so fitting, too. There's lots of apple trees in here, honey bees, and yes, snow white turtle doves.

Hey, don't get me wrong. I'm really happy for Jesse and K. But you know that feeling when the dial just goes way up the happiness meter, you get nervous and feel that something bad's going to happen, just lurking around the corner. At some point in time all the high will break and plummet. Shit hits the fan and that's inevitable. I know that feeling, it happened to me probably a million times already.

Holy shitballs Batman, I need a drink. And a penis.

Speaking of which, I eye the crowd for a possible prospect. This is a wedding after all, the point of going to one is to get laid at the end of the night.

There's very few people in here, though. 'Cause why did Jesse even think of getting married here? Never thought of him as a spring-wedding-by-the-country-meadows kind of guy. Fuck it, I never thought he'd ever get married! Guy's been a human dildo all his life, screwing girls and never having the intention to get into a relationship. And then came Kristen. God, he just went fucking nuts and head over heels in love with her. And now this. Mazel fucking tov!

Love really does work in mysterious ways. Sometimes, you find healing. But most of the time, it just fucks you up even more. I just came across the latter.

So, human dildos.

There's a cute guy from the string quartet who played the cello. Although, I noticed he kept on looking at Levi Steinmetz, my other boss in Aperture and Jesse's bestfriend-slash-bestman. Cello guy probably plays for the other team.

Who else? Just some guys and friends from the office. Fox Galinski from label liaison? Nah. His large beady eyes are freaking me out. And I love looking at a guy's eyes during sex. What about Dan Blumenthal? Dude's 23 and fresh from his former temp job, he's two years younger than I am - and that's way too young for my standards. Besides, his office desk is right in front of mine. I don't want him spending all day looking at me and fantasizing about my vagina. Now Isaac Leibowitz on the other hand, that's a real cutie. He's bosom buddies with Jesse and Levi since forever. They've all founded Aperture so basically he's my boss as well. But lucky me, he has been going out with Natalie, this really pretty flame-haired girl who happens to be cousins with Jesse. Who of course, is also here at the wedding. There isn't a slight chance that I could get him drunk and get into his pants.